*Frequently asked questions*
The Bible, the written word of God, is our sole authority in answering all questions pertaining to our spiritual life. However, in reading the Bible, we must keep in mind that the Bible is not written like a book of science where each statement is exact and complete in itself, nor like a book of law where the goal is to elaborate matters in sections and sub-sections so as to avoid loopholes. The Bible is written for the heart, and can be understood in its proper sense only by those who are spiritually minded (1Co.2:14), and who desire to do the will of God once it is revealed (Jn.7:17). Those who want to argue against the word of God can always find arguments, and those who do not want to obey what God says can appear to find words of God themselves to support their stand. Please read the following with an open heart and a willingness to know God's ways and obey them. - Jacob Ninan
Marriage, divorce, remarriage
An introduction
The subject of marriage, divorce and remarriage is complex, because human beings are complex and human relationships still more complex. Invariably there is a lot of difference of opinion on what is right and wrong concerning this subject. Even godly men and Bible scholars differ on what the Bible teaches concerning details of what is permitted and what is not, and also about what is to be done in different situations. We must avoid the tendency to want to mould the teachings of the Bible into our practical situations or to find an excuse for what we want to do. And we must equally avoid the tendency to interpret the Bible according to the letter as if it is a legal document, without understanding the spirit and ignoring the lessons from God's dealings with different people as given in the Bible. We must remember what Jesus said that the law was made for man, and not man for the law (Mk.2:27). As a counsellor I see the terrible pain people go through in different situations of life and I would like to help them to find a way forward. As a Christian and a student of the Bible I want to make sure that what I do and teach will be according to God's will. It has not been an easy task to arrive at the present position on marriage, divorce and remarriage, and a lot of sincere and open-minded study and prayer have gone into the effort. In the process of getting to know more of God's heart of love and compassion I have had to change certain legalistic views I had been previously clinging on to tenaciously. I have not only studied the Bible on this subject but also read many different interpretations Christians have. I would like to point out that while I was examining the different verses in the Bible in this connection I have tried to look beyond the words to the heart of God which is revealed through His dealings with people throughout Scripture and not just in the text under study. I recognise that not everyone is going to agree on everything I write here. But here is the result of my sincere effort to understand the heart of God on this subject.
Caution. I would suggest divorce and remarriage of divorced persons should be considered only in rare cases. No one should proceed for divorce or remarriage by themselves. They should always consult mature Christian counsellors, well wishers and the church. Decisions should be made only after long and prayerful considerations and not impulsively or spurred by outbursts of emotions. It must be also remembered that circumstances vary much from couple to couple, and decisions must be made on a case to case basis.
1. How did the arrangement of marriage start?
Marriage is not something that was invented by people or society. The Bible says that God created human beings as male and female and intended them to be fruitful and to multiply (Ge.1:27,28). Yet it was not just procreation that He had in mind, for which marriage would have been desirable but not necessary. God brought Eve to Adam when He noticed that Adam needed a companion and a helper (Ge.2:18,22). (They both needed each other.) God's intention was that they would complete and support each other and 'become one' (Ge.2:24). Another goal that God has in marriage is the raising of godly children (Mal.2:14,15). Marriage is an institution that God Himself made for human beings from the time they were created. Apart from the relationship with God, the relationship between a husband and wife can be the most intimate and satisfying experience for mankind. Good marriages give stability not only to the families but to society itself.
2. What constitutes a marriage?
God refers to a covenant in relation to marriage (Mal.2:14). Irrespective of the form (depending on the particular culture) in which a wedding takes place, it is essentially a lifelong commitment between the man and the woman to stay together in an exclusive relationship in faithfulness and loyalty. This covenant is usually expressed before the public as well as government authorities, and these days a marriage is not valid unless there are human witnesses to the covenant and it is registered legally with the government. It is this covenant that constitutes the marriage. We must also recognise that God's intention is that this covenant between a man and a woman should remain till one of them dies. He warns that no one (including the couple) should cause them to be separated (Mt.19:6).
At the same time we must not forget that this is an arrangement God has made only for our life on earth, since there will not be any marriage relationships in heaven (Mt.22:30).
3. Is it not sexual union that consummates a marriage?
Marriage implies sexual union, and it is necessary for procreation. Sexual union is also the most intimate expression of love between a husband and wife. However, sexual union is not what constitutes marriage. Otherwise premarital sex would have constituted a marriage. Sexual union outside of marriage and with those other than one's marriage partner is sin. Premarital sex is sin (commonly referred to as fornication), and sex with others when one is married is adultery. A marriage without sexual relationship is still a valid marriage, even though it lacks a major ingredient, because the spouses have taken each other for life as husband and wife.
4. Does God consider two people living together as a marriage?
A man and a woman living together just as if they were married, without a formal or legal commitment, does not constitute marriage. Generally people do this because they do not want to make a lifelong commitment to each other and want to keep the option open for leaving if things do not work out. Some philosophise on this saying that marriage is an archaic system that is not valid for the present days. But having sexual relations outside of marriage constitutes a sin (fornication) in God's eyes. Sexual intercourse is the ultimate and the most intimate expression of love between a husband and wife, and it is demeaning to have it just for physical thrill outside of marriage. If an unmarried couple says that they have made a covenant to each other and are living together without a formal/ public/ legal wedding it certainly looks suspect. Some governments are trying to accord legal recognition to this live-in arrangement. But marriage can take place only if the couple chooses to commit themselves for a lifelong relationship.
5. If two people of the same sex make a marriage covenant and get formally/legally married will their marriage be acknowledged by God?
No. That is a homosexual relationship which God condemns as sin. However it will be out of place to discuss that here.
6. What constitutes a divorce?
Since marriage is based on a public and legal covenant which a man and woman make, divorce is a public and legal annulling of that covenant. When a couple takes a divorce they break off all relationships, ties and responsibilities with each other. They are no longer 'married.' The Bible uses the words 'separate,' 'leave,' release,' 'send away' and 'divorce' to broadly refer to the same thing (Ez.10:11;Mt.19:6;1Co.7:10,13,27).
7. I thought covenants cannot be broken?
They are not intended to be broken. Remember that the people of Israel broke the covenant that they had made with God (the Old Testament - the old covenant), and God divorced them (Je.31:32;3:8). Even so with the covenant of marriage. God does not want anyone to break them, but some do.
8. What does God think about divorce?
God hates divorce (Mal.2:16). In other words, He does not want a couple who once made a lifelong covenant with each other to break that covenant. Jesus made God's position clear when He said that if someone divorced his/her spouse and married another it would amount to adultery (Lk.16:18). Under the old covenant, God tolerated many people doing several things which He did not like, such as divorce and remarriage, having several wives, etc. But Jesus made it clear that this was not what God had planned for mankind from the beginning (Mt.19:8).
God places so much value on the covenant between a man and a woman that even if they have gone through a divorce He wants them to be reconciled to each other (1Co.7:10,11), unless they have been remarried (De.24:1-4).
But God recognises that not all people will be able to live up to that standard even in the new covenant times (Mt.19:11,12). It must be recognised that even though God hates divorce it is something that He may consider in special circumstances as the lesser of two evils. It is also not a sin that cannot be forgiven once it has been committed. When Jesus told His disciples that to get divorced and remarry would be adultery except in the case of sexual unfaithfulness by a spouse (Mt.19:9), they expressed the view that if the standards were so high it might be better not to get married (v.10). Probably they meant that if someone got married and found out that it was terrible, there was no way to get out. The reply Jesus gave reveals something about God's heart. He said He recognised that not everyone would be able to rise up to these standards (v.11,12). Does this not mean that God will be compassionate towards people who have failed in this area, even though He would severely warn those who are contemplating divorce? Let us look at some examples.
Hagar the slave of Sarah and Abraham's wife, through whom Abraham received Ishmael, was acting arrogantly towards Sarah because Sarah was barren (Ge.16:3,4). Sarah treated her harshly and Hagar ran away from Sarah with her child. What God told Hagar at that time was to return to Sarah and submit to her (v.9). However, later on after Isaac was born to Sarah and Ishmael started mocking Isaac, God Himself told Abraham it was alright to send Hagar away along with her son (Ge.21:12). God knew that things were becoming unmanageable and a separation (divorce) was the best option. Doesn't this example show that in some cases God would choose the lesser of two evils? (This is a great principle for us to keep in mind. Theologians call this the principle of Objective Moral Relativism under which it is recognised that in certain cases one moral law may need to get violated in order to fulfil a higher moral law. E.g. killing a terrorist who is about to blow up a building.)
God who hates divorce went ahead with (metaphorically) 'divorcing' His 'spiritual' wife Israel (Jer.3:8). This teaches us that divorce is not an 'unthinkable' option but may be inevitable sometimes. Of course this example is only a figure of speech, and even here God's ultimate intention was that by waking up to the seriousness of the situation Israel would repent and return to Him.
The Samaritan woman whom Jesus met at a well had been married, divorced and remarried several times (Jn.4:18). Yet when she repented and believed, Jesus not only accepted her, but she became an evangelist towards her village. This shows us that sins of divorce and remarriage can be forgiven, and such people can even begin to serve God (1Co.6:9-11).
We see in De.24:1-4 that God gave laws warning against a man receiving back a woman who had been married to him, and who had been then divorced and remarried, and who wanted to return to him. When we remember that there was an existing law against stoning adulterers, what we see here is that the woman getting married after divorce was not considered as committing adultery. Also, many of the Old Testament people had several wives, which would be considered as sin now. Even considering the fact that these were acts which God tolerated and not allowed, the point still remains that God did not consider them as unforgivable sins.
When we come to the New Testament we see how Jesus put forth the standards as God originally had for mankind. We shall look at these in the following sections.
9. What was the Old Testament standard for divorce?
Under the Old Testament (covenant), God tolerated men sending away their wives by giving them a bill of divorce (De.24:1). It must be noted that even here God did not command them to go for divorce in this way, but only tolerated it because of the hardness of man's heart (Mt.19:8). What happened was that people took this tolerance from God as a right and started divorcing their wives if they found anything displeasing to them in their wives. Later the Pharisees interpreted it to mean just that Moses had commanded someone who wanted to divorce his wife to give her a bill of divorce (Mt.19:7). Jesus clarified this position of the Pharisees from God's point of view saying that this was not what God had in mind (v.8).
10. What is the New Testament standard for divorce?
Jesus said that from the beginning God's desire was for a lifelong commitment to each other and that a husband and wife should not get divorced (Mt.19:6,8). This is the position He takes for people under the new covenant (believing Christians). Jesus said that if someone divorced his/her spouse and married someone else it would amount to adultery (Mt.19:9;Mk.10:11,12;Lk.16:18). He also said that if someone divorced his/her spouse, he/she might become the cause for the ex-spouse committing adultery by marrying again (Mt.5:32). The only exception He permitted for going for a divorce was if the spouse committed a sexual sin (Mt.5:32;19:9). The Greek word used here (porneia) can mean any sexual sin including adultery, incest, homosexuality, etc. Any of these sins by a married person would amount to adultery. But even in the case of sexual sin which provides grounds for divorce there is no command from God to divorce the erring partner. The sin of adultery can be forgiven and the spouses can be reconciled. God wants the erring partner to repent (turn away from that sin, express a strong desire not to repeat that sin, and decide to walk in obedience to God), confess his/her sin and receive forgiveness from the other partner.
If a believing Christian is married to an unbeliever, the believing partner is to stay on in the marriage with the hope that the unbelieving partner might become a believer and also because the children will have a Christian influence over their lives (1Co.7:12-14,16). However if the unbeliever chooses to leave the marriage, the believing partner will be set free from his/her obligations (v.15). This means that he/she can be divorced. When Paul wrote this, the application was obviously to couples who were already married and then one of them became a Christian. Irrespective of the unequal aspect of the marriage, the marriage itself was recognised as a fact. The commandment for the present day is that a believer should not get married to an unbeliever (2Cor.6:14). However we can take it that if someone disobeyed this and got married to an unbeliever (for which he/she needs to repent and receive forgiveness) this same instruction will apply regarding divorce.
11. Are you saying that even in intolerable situations such as abuse or a threat to life there is no chance of divorce?
We discussed the example of Hagar above. That was an abusive situation, and God chose divorce as the lesser of two evils. The principle we need to follow in such situations is to honestly see if while divorce would be wrong, continuing in the present situation would be worse. It is best if this is not decided by the couple themselves but in consultation with others as given in Mt.18:15-17.
12. How can you you say this when Jesus said categorically that any divorce apart from sexual sin would be sin?
I agree it would be sin. All I am saying is that following the principle of Objective Moral Relativism as explained in section 8, one will have to choose the lesser of two evils. Some people argue that since Lk.16:18 makes a categoric statement about divorce and remarriage, there is no need for any other consideration. But we must not forget that apart from this verse God has also given other verses and incidents which can help in developing the bigger picture.
13. What if one believing partner keeps committing sins (other than sexual sin) that cause unbearable suffering in the family? Can the other partner choose divorce as the lesser of two evils?
We must remember that in any marriage there would be differences between the two spouses, and some of these differences may give rise to problems for them. This is a part of real life, and these are to be dealt with appropriately rather than by saying that it is too difficult to live with the other person. There are other situations that may be life-threatening or unbearable which are not getting resolved even after counselling and intervention by the church. The best thing is to take recourse to the procedure set forth in Mt.18:15-17. Let the church finally decide the best course of action. (Hopefully the particular church is not one of those which follow the words of the law to the letter without compassion or understanding or one which takes the law lightly! If it is, then one has to probably reach out to the universal church. That means one has to consult several church leaders and take a considered view.)
14. What if one spouse develops an incurable disease or handicap that does not allow a normal married life? Can the other spouse go for divorce?
The sickness could very well have come to the other spouse! One of the reasons why God puts two people together is that if one becomes needy the other can provide the support. It is, of course, one of the commitments the couple makes in marriage that whatever good or bad happens, they are going to stick it out together. One must believe that God will give special grace in special situations.
15. Are you not giving many loopholes for people to take divorce?
Of course that is not the intention. But just as people take advantage of free grace to take liberties with sin, people will misuse the opportunity given for responsible behaviour to act irresponsibly. That should not foreclose the opportunity for those who will act uprightly to do so.
16. Jesus said that if a man looked at a woman with lust, he would be committing adultery with her in his heart (Mt.5:27,28). Do you think this would provide a reason for a wife to seek for divorce?
While adultery in the heart is a sin, one must recognise that there is a difference between that and a physical act in terms of the ability to judge and conclude that a sin has taken place, as well as the consequences. Jesus also said that if one got angry with someone it would be like committing murder. But one can see the difference in level in this too. A married man or woman fantasising about relations with someone else would also be committing sin in the heart. These have to be dealt with and forgiveness has to be obtained from God.
17. What does God say about remarriage?
Remarriage itself is not abominable to God. God freely allows remarriage in the case of death of one of the partners (1Co.7:39). In the case of young widows (and widowers?) remarriage is in fact encouraged (1Cor.7:9;1Ti.5:14). We must keep in mind the principle that while staying single is advisable for those who would like to serve the Lord without distraction (1Co.7:34,35), it is better to remarry than to burn with desire (1Co.7:9) or to become a nuisance to others because one has nothing to do (1Ti.5:13,14). The decision depends on one's ability to manage a single life (1Co.7:7).
Remember what Jesus said that any remarriage after divorce except in the case of sexual sin would result in adultery (Mt.19:9). Some have interpreted this verse to mean that the exception referred only to divorce and that there is no permission given here for remarriage. This does not make sense because it is not the divorce that is connected to adultery but remarriage.
In the case of remarriage after divorce, we need to make a distinction between those who have been divorced according to the permissive will of God (as described in the previous sections), and others who have taken to divorce impulsively, presumptuously or not having seriously sought to do God's will in the matter. Since marriage is based on a mutual covenant between the spouses, the marriage itself becomes annulled if the partners have withdrawn legitimately from their covenant (a proper divorce) and have no more ties to each other in any way. Then they are no longer married, and are free to get married. They can remarry if they wish, but 'only in the Lord' (1Co.7:39). The Bible encourages them to stay unmarried if they can manage that (1Co.7:8,9).
I think everyone would agree that if one of the spouses had his/her eye on another person, got divorced from the present marriage and married the other person it would be adultery. But what about a person who got divorced, not because of any desire to marry someone else but because he/she could not manage to live in that relationship? My opinion is that whether the divorce was because of sexual sin on the part of the other spouse (in which case the position is clear) or not, if the divorce is complete in every way and much time has passed since then to consider all possible options, such persons can consider remarriage after proper consultation with mature people.
17. If two people have got divorced and remarried without proper considerations, are they living in adultery?
Getting remarried like that was a sin. But once they are married, they have to be recognised as a married couple and treated accordingly. It would be wrong to ask them to separate or go back to their first marriage (De.24:1-14). Remember how Jesus accepted the woman from Samaria. At the same time, the couple should recognise that they have sinned before God, repent and receive forgiveness. The act of remarriage in this case was adultery, but living together as husband and wife subsequently is not adultery because they are now legally husband and wife.
18. The Bible very clearly says that a wife is bound to her husband as long as he is alive (Ro.7:2;1Co.7:39). Even if one cancels the covenant as you say, will it not be adultery to get married to another person while the previous partner is still alive?
The point to remember is that when a full and mutual divorce takes place according to the permitted norms given by God, the covenant of marriage is annulled, and the two persons are no longer 'married.' The verses you have quoted only apply to married people (husband and wife). Once a proper divorce takes place, they are no longer husband and wife, and the ties mentioned in these verses do not apply to them.
19. You seem to be using some verses out of context.
I have consciously taken some verses out of context if one looks at it in the strictest sense. But I believe that conscious and deliberate extrapolation is justified when the understanding of God's heart is transferred from one context to another. This is why I believe that we need to go beyond the written word and get to know the heart of God.
20. Do you think you have arrived at the last word on this subject?
All I can say is that I have tried to make a sincere attempt without any knowingly selfish motive to understand what God thinks about the subject. I don't think my views are beyond question. I suppose as people continue to study this subject these views can be improved upon.
Write if you have questions or comments about this subject.