by Jacob Ninan
Question: We met at college and we have been meeting together for almost two years. 3 months ago we got engaged to be married, and our wedding is coming up next month. But of late we have been getting into a lot of fights, and I wonder how it will be if we are married. But it will be terrible to break up because everyone knows about it and our parents will be shattered.Answer: I can imagine how terrible and confused you may be feeling, because you have been building up a closeness towards each other and looking forward to your marriage, when unexpectedly things seem to be disturbing. You want a happy married life and you thought you had found the right person to get married to, but suddenly your world seems to be very fragile. You are fearful about what might happen, and you are confused about which way to turn.
You will have to think your way through this calmly, and if you are a Christian, ask God to guide your thoughts. There is a possibility that you can continue towards the wedding and married life, in which case you can be helped through counselling. But the other possibility is also there where you recognise that this is not the right person for you to marry and you want to quit before it becomes too late. Let's examine both options.
It is but natural that when two people meet and consider the possibility of marriage, they both put up their best behaviour for each other. They act with great courtesy, kindness, graciousness, gentleness, patience, etc., and they overlook the flaws they notice in each other. This makes them both assume that this is the right person for marriage. But sometimes, after the wooing phase is over and they agree to get married, they begin to become more 'natural' towards each other. Then the real nature comes out.
This can happen also if the courtship was short and the real natures come out after the wedding (and in the case of 'arranged marriages' where they had hardly got opportunity to meet each other). In this case the options are limited, and the real option to work out is to do everything one can to remain married, get to know each other better and accept each other's flaws and shortcomings, and move forward. Counselling can help a lot at this stage because a lot of such problems may be due to ignorance on both sides.
This option is possible even if the disillusionment occurs during the engagement period. Counselling can help you both to make adjustments to the way you relate to each other, make expectations more realistic and teach you to face situations together in a different manner.
But when you are engaged, there is also the possibility to consider that you may not be right for each other. All of us human beings are different in many ways such as family backgrounds and upbringing, social, cultural and financial background, personality types, etc. So, everyone who gets married has to invariably make a lot of adjustments between each other to be able to live together and enjoy it. Every form of 'incompatibility' we find is not serious enough to call off the marriage. But if you find that the differences between you are so strong and there is no possibility of tolerating certain things, you have to consider parting ways. That would be better than getting tied to each other and suffering for the rest of your life or ending up in divorce. Breaking up will be very painful, but as they say, a broken engagement is far better than a broken marriage, even though both are painful.
So, what are some of the things you need to consider? Can you trust your friend with your life? Do you think he/she is willing to try and understand you and make adjustments to accommodate you, or is rigid in position? Do you get freedom to express your views and discuss where you have differences? Can you trust his/her words? Can you expect him/her to stand together with you or is someone else (parents, friends) more important to them than you? Do you both have the same religious convictions (some people say they have agreed not to interfere in the other's view, but if one of them becomes zealous about their religion, things can become really messy)?
Don't make a hasty decision because you have given each other hope of getting married and so don't dash that hope without having examined the question seriously. Do go for counselling and look at the areas of difference or difficulty to see if they cannot be accepted or tolerated.