The second area where Christians face the challenge with regards to authority is the home. This is a place where clash of personalities and ideas is very common, and since the home is very important for the general happiness of families and societies and the proper training of the children for the future, it is most important that there should be order and harmony in the home. That is why the loving and wise God has set up a hierarchy even for the home.
Jesus recognised as a matter of fact that there would be a person recognised as the head of the home (Matt.13:52;24:43;Lk.12:39;13:25). Later, the Holy Spirit made the hierarchy in the home clear as God the Father, the Son, the husband and the wife, in that order (1Cor.11:3;Eph.5:23), designating the husband as the head of the wife. Then we see specific instructions to husbands and wives (along with other specific instructions for children, masters and servants) where the husband is to love his wife as Christ loves the church (Eph.5:28), to live with her in an understanding way (1Pet.3:7) and not to become bitter towards her (Col.3:19), and the wife is to be subject to her husband (Eph.5:22;Col.3:18;1Pet.3:1).
To understand the context of this order in the family we must remember that there is absolutely no implication of differences between the husband and wife in terms of worth or importance, as we have seen from the example of the Trinity. Both husband and wife have been created equally in the 'image of God' (Gen.1:27), and God makes no distinction between men and women as far their relationship with Him is concerned (Gal.3:28). This hierarchy of authority and accountability is only to define the different roles within the family so as to ensure harmony and happiness.
When God gives the husband the role of the head of the family, it is not so much to define his authority but his overall responsibility for the family. God is going to hold him responsible for what happens to the family just in the same way as the CEO of a firm is held responsible for some mistake of the firm even though he may have had no personal involvement in the mistake.
The husband has to make sure that the family is provided for according to their needs and that he protects them from any trouble that might come to them. It is his responsibility to see that the ways of the Lord which he has learned are passed on to his children in turn (Deut.4:10). He cannot shirk his responsibility towards the children and casually pass them on to his wife. He cannot make any decision for the family without thinking of the long-term implications on his wife and children, and if anything goes wrong he has to take the responsibility for it and seek to set it right.
This is the way he 'loves' his wife, as Christ loved the church and gave Himself for her (Eph.5:25). If a husband loves his wife like this, he makes it easier for the wife to 'submit' to him. To submit is not to have to blindly obey whatever he tells her, but to recognise and accept the position and responsibility that God has given him.
In an ideal situation, where a husband knows that he does not know everything and that he cannot do everything by himself, he takes advantage of the availability of his wife, putting their heads together, discussing about the decisions that need to be taken and arrives at a mutually acceptable direction.
In a practical situation, because husbands and wives are going to be different in many ways – gender, personality type, family background, education, cultural background, etc. – it is going to happen often that they are not able to arrive at a common approach. In this case, if the wife submits to his role as the head of the house, she allows him to make the final decision.
In such a case the husband takes his decision after considering all that he knows and all that he has heard from his wife, keeping in mind the fact that he is going to be responsible for the outcome of his decision. Such a husband will not be a dictator or one who treats his wife with disdain; he will be an enabler to bring out the best in everyone, like the conductor in an orchestra.
It is easy to see that if both husbands and wives obey these instructions from the Lord, there will be increasing harmony in families, and that if these are violated or disregarded there will be increasing conflicts and all sorts of trouble which will in turn badly affect the children too.
Through centuries of abuse of authority by men in general and husbands in particular, women have suffered much physical harm, indignity, injustice, rejection, devaluation and neglect. Culturally, even now, many men go with the assumption that their wives are at their mercy and strongly believe that they are entitled to treat them any way they like. It is sad that there are even some Christian preachers who teach husbands to act in a superior manner with respect to their wives.
It is then no wonder that many women react to this strongly to the extent that they stand against the idea of submission to husbands and fight for equality. But then they many times end up against the plans that God Himself has made for the family. The solution is not to throw out the whole idea of the head of the home but to find out how it is to be properly understood and carried out.
Another area where authority comes into the picture in homes is parenting. Here again there has been much abuse of children by parents over time in the name of discipline, but that is not an excuse to throw out the whole concept of discipline. Sadly, that is what seems to be happening.
Nowadays every form of discipline is treated as if it is abuse, and in some places children are authorised to complain to the police for their parents spanking them or even scolding.
During the 1960s a concept came up in psychology saying that every person is a unique personality and that parents should not thrust their own ideas on their children but allow them to develop into their own potential. While it is true that parents should not impose on the children, e.g., to make them into doctors or engineers against their own interests, abilities and choice, that is not to say that children do not need any discipline in character at all.
It is seen that a human baby has great potential to grow up to accomplish great things, and as such that baby needs many years of training and nurturing before he can reach the position to step off into his future. Also, on the other hand, this same baby is born with sinful tendencies (Psa.51:5) and the potential to become the world's worst criminal unless he is protected and guided properly. That is where parental discipline (training) is essential.
No school or Sunday school is a substitute for this home training where character is first formed and where he is guided into pursuing the right direction for all round development. The Bible clearly says that the rod and reproof give wisdom: but a child left to himself brings his mother to shame (Prov.29:15). There are many other verses (Gen.18:19; Deut.4:10; 31:12,13; Psa.78:5,6; Prov.22:6,15; 23:13; Eph.6:4; Col.3:21; 1Th.2:7,11; 1Tim.3:4) that bring out the importance of child care and discipline.
Here again, why the God-ordained scheme of parental discipline turns to abuse is selfishness on the part of the parents and the lack of true love for the children. When children are seen as a nuisance rather than as a blessing, every occasion when the parents need to interact with the children is seen as an interference into the parents' routine. So the children are punished severely for their 'interference' or the children are diverted away from the parents through indulgences such as TV, video games, etc.
Some other parents who think they love their children very much overdrive the children to unreasonable and unrealistic levels of achievement. As a result many children grow up to see themselves as always coming short of the parents' expectations, and they either give up on life and turn to wasteful habits or go off to 'show' their parents in acts of rebellion or defiance what they are really capable of.
But the discipline that the Bible talks of is to be done in love (Heb.12:6). It is not good food, clothes, toys, sports or music training or education that the children primarily need. It is love and affection that is to be expressed by the parents to the children, by spending time with them, getting to know them, showing appreciation and encouraging them. This is what really 'earns' them the 'right' to chastise them. Then the children who receive correction or chastisement know that their parents love them and that what is being done is for their good.
Chastisement done in anger or irritation actually amounts to abuse or bullying. As the children grow up into their teenage years, if the parents have built up a loving and friendly relationship with the children, the transition from being children to adults becomes easier for everyone.
God's ways are perfect and His instructions for people on how to live life on earth are what are best for us. If we recognise this Creator-creature relationship well, we will take care to understand God's ways and follow them.
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