by Jacob Ninan
Consider this is a personal talk with you from a marriage counsellor after years of meeting couples with problems. I hope this will give you some tips about how to understand your husbands better. I have written a similar note for men separately. But this is specially for you.Men aren't the same as women!
I am not talking about the physical differences. But I guess many women get some kind of a shock when they come to live with their husband after years of imagining how heavenly it is going to be when they get married! For some women it is as if all their dreams have been shattered, and they even begin to think that marriage was a big mistake! I am not denying the possibility that some marriages do turn out to be mistakes. But I do believe that many other marriages which appear to be mistakes are not necessarily so even though the husband and wife are shocked that their partner is not what they were hoping for! It would be a huge mistake to give up on marriage because of this initial shock. If you have begun to think that it was a mistake, consider the possibility that it is because you haven't really understood your husband well. He is of a different type, he is not a woman like you! These men think differently, behave differently, value things differently, etc. But it may still be true that in their heart they really love you!But that is your problem, you say. You don't think he loves you at all. Before you got married and for a little time after you got married he used to be so different than he is now. Then he used to talk to you much, spend a lot of time with you, be very kind and thoughtful about you, etc., and now all he seems to think about is his job! This is not what you had bargained for. You feel cheated, and you think he is taking advantage of you, treating you as if you are there only to take care of him, while he isn't taking care of you!
Believe me, this is a very common problem faced by wives, even older wives. I can tell you there is a lot of truth in what you are thinking, and I can't let the husbands get away with it. I wish they would be open to counselling. Perhaps you can refer them to the note I have written to men (A note for married men; ladies, don't read), or better still, persuade them to go with you for counselling. But let me clarify some things for you, which may help you to see things in a better way.
Women's expectations
When you were little girls in school, you had a 'best friend' among all your other friends. This one was special for you, and it was with this friend that you opened up and shared all your secrets. You were also possessive about the best friend when someone else tried to become friends with her. As you grew up and started thinking about marriage you imagined that your husband wiould be your best friend! But when you got married you got a shock! You went to him and started sharing with him everything that happened in your life, and you soon realised that he was not really interested in listening to all that. This was almost unbearable! You slowly began to notice, 'he had no time for you', 'he wouldn't tell you about what all happened in his life', 'he was always preoccupied with his work', etc. For some of you, this was the last straw. You translated all of this as "He doesn't love me!" At this point in one wife's life she actually ran away from her husband and came to me looking for divorce! But the fact may be that in his heart and mind the husband is sure that he loves his wife (as it turned out in this wife's case) and he assumes that it should be so obvious to his wife that he doesn't need to tell her about it! In other words, he loves his wife but is clueless about the fact that it is not at all obvious to his wife. The good news is that once this is brought to their notice and they see their blunder, many husbands are willing to change and become nice to their wives, because they really do love their wives!Men and 'love'
Let me narrate two stories I have seen on the Internet to illustrate a couple of important points.A couple was celebrating their 50th wedding anniversary. After all the guests had departed and they were alone, the wife asked her husband, "Do you really love me?" The man was furious! He said, "How can you ask me that after 50 years of marriage? Day and night I have worked for you. I got you this house and everything in it. I gave the best education to our children and now they are well-settled. We are grandparents. How can you ask me such a question?"
The second story is about the 25th anniversary(!). The same question from the wife. The husband said calmly, "25 years ago when I got married to you, I told you I loved you. If there was any change in that I would have told you!"
I have to agree that both the above husbands missed completely what their wives wanted from them as 'love'. But unfortunately, this is true for a large number of men, unless they have been into counselling in some form. They are sure in their mind that they love their wives because they are providing for them, they are not going after other women, they are not abusing their wives, etc. But the problem is, they have not understood how to 'express' their love to their wives in the way their wives want. This is a case of frequency mismatch. The way he is expressing his love to her is not the way she wants him to.
Of course, if the husbands come for counselling, they can learn how to speak in their wife's frequency. But this note is to help you wives to understand your husbands better.
You want your husband to love you, don't you? If they are working hard at taking care of you, do understand that it is their way of showing their love to you. So, don't assume they don't love you. They do love you in their own way. Once you understand this, it takes away a lot of doubt and uncertainty from your mind. I am not excusing their poor way of showing their love to you, but at least you must know they really love you. Don't let go of them!
Men and work
Another thing for you wives to think of is how tough it has become for husbands these days. Many times the workload is too high that they are unable to handle it without getting stressed out. The targets given to them are sometimes unreasonably high and they can get worried trying to somehow meet them. Even if they would like to come home by 5pm, they are many times not in a position to do so. Actually, if they start doing that, they may even lose their job and somebody else may be quick to step into their place. What you need to give them is an understanding of their situation, and supporting them by making it easy for them to find some relaxation when they reach home. On the contrary, if you put too much pressure on them to have more time with the family they may not be able to take it. What you can do is to sit with him and discuss about what is practically (and not just in theory) possible to be done in such situations and to make the best out of those situations.Again, this is not to excuse husbands who neglect their families and focus only on their work. They need counselling. But those who are really struggling to make things work need encouragement and support from their wives.
Conclusion
Of course, this note does not cover all aspects of marriage counselling (you could read Marriage counselling for women), but only making the point that sometimes husbands may really love their wives, but since this is not in the way the wives want, the husbands may get misunderstood. Wives, just see if it is possible that your husband really loves you, but he doesn't know how to express it in the way you want.
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