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An approach to Christian premarital counselling

by Jacob Ninan

Congratulations on your finding each other from the billions of people around you and deciding that this is the one with whom you are going to spend the rest of your life. I am very glad for your sake that you two have decided to spend time for premarital counselling. If you listen carefully, this will be one of the most useful investments that you make.

When many young people think of getting married, they innocently imagine that since they love each other, their marriage is going to be one of the happiest on earth. Even when older people suggest that they should go for premarital counselling, they don't think they need it. They think they know each other well, and they can handle anything that comes up! But such youthful optimism is based on their wishful thinking rather than a realistic knowledge of themselves or each other, and life itself. When two people get married, they must remember that however long they have known each other before the wedding, there are many aspects about each other that they do not yet know. To mention a few, there are differences in their personality, family upbringing, experiences earlier in their life, details of their religious faith, the example of marriage they have observed in their parents, the things each one likes and dislikes, the knowledge both have about different things, their strengths and weaknesses, their aims in life, etc. You cannot get to know most of these things merely by talking about them, but more by meeting each other in situations that bring out these different aspects. So, you must mentally be prepared to come across suddenly and unexpectedly things about each other you had not known so far or anticipated! The role of premarital counselling is to prepare you in advance with information about how you both can live together. Obviously, and hopefully, you may not need some of the things you get here, but certainly you will be grateful to see when different things happen that you already have some awareness about how to face them! Think of premarital counselling as an investment you are making that will bear fruit during different phases of your married life.

Introduction
You know, it is not possible to cover every single aspect of marriage in order to prepare you. I hope to address the most important aspects that you need to know. But I do want to introduce you to important principles that should form your foundation in your mind, as you address different practical situations in your marriage. Please make sure to look for these principles and understand them.

Who should you marry?
Obviously this is the most important question you must be clear about before you decide to get married. I know that you two have already decided to get married to each other, and that is why you have come to me. But still I am talking about it because it is most important. If you make a mistake about this, you may be signing up for a lifelong misery or divorce. God warns us, as followers of Jesus Christ, not to get married to unbelievers (2Cor.6:14). Your Heavenly Father is not being a killjoy here, hindering you from marrying any of all the interesting people you can consider. But He is warning you in love, in order to protect you from pain, confusion, bondage, trouble, etc. If you just look around, you can see the countless number of people who thought they knew better than God on this point, going through suffering now after the hurried choice they made.

Don't justify your desire to get married to an unbeliever by saying that after marriage you will bring him or her to Christ. It does happen sometimes, but very rarely. But you can't take a risk, presuming on it. Don't say this person is so nice, even better than some 'believers' you know. You are saying that because you really don't know him or her yet. When two people are courting each other, they put on their best, impressive, courteous, polite behaviour. But afterwards, when real married life begins, the real nature will emerge. After all, the basic difference between a believer and and an unbeliever is not really in their behaviour, where a lot of pretence can come in, but in their heart. Everyone is born with a sin nature that is basically selfish. But when someone is born again, he gets the seed of a new heart, which can then grow. If a believer marries an unbeliever, the differences are at this level, fundamental.

Another thing you have to keep in mind is that nowadays there are many who claim to have been born again, but without having gone through a genuine repentance from their sins and putting their trust in Jesus as their Saviour. So, don't just take someone's word for it. Don't take flimsy reasons such as, "He has been in the church for so many years," or "He is in the worship team," or "He is the son of a pastor." If you want to make sure, get to know Him by talking about his faith, experience of salvation, etc. You can't afford to take things superficially or lightly.

Having said this about marrying only believers, let me also add for the sake of reality, that just finding a believer is not enough even though it is necessary. There are many natural factors affecting people, and differences here can also cause a lot of challenges. Just think of marrying someone who does not speak your language. How do you hope to understand each other? What about people coming from entirely different cultures, economic background or educational level? Of course, we can find exceptions where couples have learned to grow even with such incompatibilities. But don't you need to minimise such differences as much as possible?

On the contrary, there are people who look for perfect compatibility between the two and give up, or others who find some difference after their wedding and give up thinking this cannot work out. Actually, no two people can be completely compatible with each other. Let us be realistic. It is a question of finding manageable margins of difference.

I don't want to confuse you, but I have to say this for your sake. After listening to this, if you have discovered that you are about to marry an unbeliever, it is still not too late to obey God. If you have to call off this engagement, wouldn't that be still better than ignoring the signs, going ahead and getting married, and then resigning yourself to a life of misery?

Why get married?
Different people get married for the wrong reasons, and then, of course, their marriages are unlikely be happy ones, unless they learn things over time and change. If they do learn and change, good for them! But I would like you both to go in the right direction right from the start. Let us first look at the common mistakes people make here.

Age, custom?
Many people just get married when the time comes, without thinking much about it. They may have come to the age when people in their society usually get married, and parents and other relatives may be putting pressure on them to comply. So, these people get married automatically without any real consideration of who they are getting married to. You can imagine how they risk not having any real affection for their spouse because they were not the reason they got married.

Practical advantages?
Some men are only thinking that when they get married, their wives will cook for them, wash and iron their clothes, and keep house while they go and have a great time with their friends. Some girls imagine that their husbands will be like Prince Charming riding on a white horse who will take them to their castles, and then will buy things for them, take them to visit places and will be always by their side to talk to. Some men get married to whoever can give the biggest dowry. How much, do you think, they will care for their wives after they have got their money? Some marry someone abroad for the sake of migrating there. Some others think of business interests in getting married to someone from another family. Some think of the prestige in getting linked to a famous family. Etc. The sad thing is that most of these people think of marriage as merely a matter of convenience or advantage, rather than being with someone they love. We do come across some rare exceptions where people got married without really thinking about why they were getting married, then discover each other and learn to love them. But if you can understand the right direction from the start, you can have better chances of having an enjoyable life.

The best reason – God's plan
There is a great lesson we can learn from the way God created Adam and Eve. They were created as grown up people, but God first created Adam, alone. God gave him access to everything in the Garden of Eden and all the animals, birds and fish. He gave names to all of them, but the Bible notes there was nothing that Adam found to be suitable for him (Gen.2:20). Adam was alone, without someone with whom he could relate easily. Now we can understand why God said it was not good for Adam to be alone (v.18). Then God created Eve and presented her to Adam, and he was overjoyed (v.23).

I believe God was demonstrating through this sequence how all of us need a companion who is fully suitable for us so that we can love and cherish each other. Just for the sake of understanding, we can say that if Eve had been created first, she too would not have been happy without Adam! It is companionship that we primarily get in marriage, and it is this that we have to essentially provide for each other. Companionship involves sharing life with each other. The more we share together – our joys, sorrows, dreams, disappointments, hopes, plans, challenges – the more we plan and do things together, the closer we will get to each other. It will be a great blessing to have a companion like that who knows us so closely and who, we know, will understand us, whom we can trust and lean on. This is a level of intimacy that we cannot have with anyone else in the world but our marriage partner. Then we can understand that when we are looking for marriage, we should be looking for someone we can be happy to live together with for the rest of our life, and not be guided by all the other interests many people are looking for.

God's instructions
You must remember that Adam and Eve did not have any parents! But theirs was the first marriage! God in His foreknowledge gave them a very important instruction to pass on to the future generations who would all have parents to deal with, after they got married! Nowadays there are many issues that get triggered in this triangle among the married couple and their parents, and therefore, before you face any of those issues, you need to understand what God says about them. Because of its seriousness, I would like to take some extra time to talk to you about it.

"The man said, 'This is now bone of my bones, And flesh of my flesh; She shall be called Woman, Because she was taken out of Man.' For this reason a man shall leave his father and his mother, and be joined to his wife; and they shall become one flesh" (Gen.2:23,24). Even though Eve was taken out of Adam's body and thus a separate person, Adam considered her a bone of his bones and flesh of his flesh. That is a picture of how close a husband and wife ought to become – 'one' with each other. Some people think only about the sexual union that both can have with each other, in terms of 'becoming one flesh'. But in this context, we must understand this oneness as being much more, in mind and spirit too, apart from the body. This is the potential a marriage has for companionship. The more they love and value each other, the more they discuss things together, make decisions together, do things together, raise children together, they can become more one with each other. They start to think like each other, and they get to know what the other is thinking, even before they talk or do something!

One condition for this to happen is that they must not allow anyone else to come in between them, whether they are parents, other relatives, friends, or even children. In other words, they must become the most valued person for each other. Parents will not be there for long, and neither will their children, who will one day get married and leave them. But in order to ensure that you will become one like this, you will have to deal with the potential threat from parents, children and others to become more important for you.

Let me illustrate. Many times the husband is tempted to make his mother happy, at the cost of making his wife unhappy! You must remember that sometimes an old mother can be insecure, fearing that her daughter-in-law will steal her son from her, and therefore do different things to get him to pay attention to her. Then the husband feels that he cannot refuse his mother or make her sad! On the other side, the wife is used to sharing every detail of her life with her mother, and this continues even after she gets married. Her mother keeps calling her to find out what is going on with her daughter, in order not to lose that emotional link! The husband's father may be a dictatorial man who makes all the decisions for him even after the wedding. Some of my counsellees have even reported bizarre incidents such as the mother-in-law not allowing the newly married couple to talk together by themselves or even go out together because she also wants to be part of their life. One husband's father insisted that the daughter-in-law's duty was to look after his family, for which she had to resign her job and move in with them! In another case, the wife could not stop visiting her parents' home often – too often! You can imagine how such things can separate you both mentally, and finally even physically from each other.

There are many Christians who actually oppose this concept of leaving father and mother, saying children have to obey their parents and they cannot leave their parents who brought them up by making many sacrifices themselves. First of all, you must realise that children obeying their parents is a command given for 'children' who do not know enough and who are not yet capable of making decisions by themselves – in other words, children! You are not children, are you? You are grown-ups planning to have children yourselves, and you cannot let your parents control your lives. The confusion is with the word 'leave'. In this context, it does not mean 'forget them', 'ditch them', 'have nothing more to do with them', etc. But you are to leave them emotionally, in order to become able to 'cleave to each other' and 'become one'. In other words, your loyalty now becomes stronger towards each other than towards your parents, and so does your responsibility. God who tells you, "Leave them," also tells you, "Honour your parents." Honouring them includes not only showing them respect, but also listening to what they have to say because they have more experience in life than you, providing for and taking care of them in their old age, etc.

'Leaving parents' will be easier if the new couple is able to live separately, on their own. But sometimes it may not be possible due to financial limitations or because the old parents need physical or medical attention. But then it could also be that it becomes very difficult to stay with the parents due to the trouble they give to the young couple when it would be wise to move out.

If it happens that both of you want to follow this instruction from God but your parents are not letting go of their control, here is an example of what someone did. This couple had a controlling father who would forcefully tell his son what to do in different situations. So the young man developed this strategy of listening to his father politely, without getting into any argument, knowing that there could be something he could learn from his father. But then he would go home to his wife and they would discuss the matter between them and do what they thought was best. The next time when they met the father, he would ask them what they did. Then the son would explain that afterwards he had discussed it with his wife and that both of them felt that they needed to do something different. The father would start shouting at him and call him a rebellious son. But the son would listen politely, and do what he had done before. When this happened a few times, finally the father came to realise that there was no point telling his son what to do because anyway he would finally do what he and his wife agreed on. That brought the tension to a close. A picture you can think of is about cutting the umbilical cord after the baby is born. That would cause some bleeding and pain, but finally it will be good for the mother and the baby.

The new family unit
The culture in India says that a bride has to leave her parents and become a part of her husbands' parents' family! (Even though, literally speaking, the verse we quoted above asks the man to leave his parents!) But the ideal which sociologists talk about is a cycle of families. Our parents' family into which we are born is referred to as our family of origin. But when we grow up and get married, we start a new family where the two of us are the only members for some time. When our children get married, they leave us and form new families of their own. By then, we should have become wise and think of helping them to 'leave us, cleave to each other and become one'.

A serious commitment
A special thing that happens in Christian weddings is the exchange of vows between the couple. But what happens many times is that during the wedding the couple is in a dreamy world, and they mechanically repeat "I do," without even thinking about it. But I want you both to clearly understand the implications of the commitment you will be giving to each other. I would even go to the extent of saying that if you are not prepared to mean what you are going to make as vows to each other, you should think of postponing your wedding till you are ready. With these vows you would be agreeing to the foundation on which you want to build your relationship.

Exclusive
Before you chose each other to get married to, you had the option to choose from billions of people. But when you choose to marry one person out of all these billions, you must understand that you are also choosing to keep all the others outside your marriage. The marriage relationship is something we can have only with one person. So, once you get married, what you are saying is that this one person is exclusively for you and you for him or her. You are not going to have a similar kind of interest in or relationship with anyone else, and you are not going to allow anyone to intrude into your relationship. You may have been in relationships earlier, but now you have chosen to put all those behind you and be with just this one person.

This faithfulness to each other is an extremely important matter in God's sight. If you take interest in someone else when you are already married, God calls that adultery. There is a lot of flirting that goes on in this world among men and women, and many people think that it is just for fun and not serious. But we should know when we cross the line with someone. Some people think only in terms of physical relationship which they want to avoid. But Jesus pointed out that if we are careless in our heart about 'desire' we could end up in adultery even if there is no physical touch (Matt.5:27,28). Even in the workplace where we have to work with people of the opposite sex, we have to be careful to confine ourselves to professional contacts and discussions. Many extramarital affairs have started when people began to talk about their personal problems with their colleagues or friends.

If you have had other boy-girl friendships earlier, when you get married, there should not be any more place for that kind of friendship with those people. Some people imagine that they should stay friends, chat on social media, meet for birthdays, etc., for old time's sake. But imagine what would happen if you have had a bad misunderstanding or quarrel in your marriage, and you start imagining about how you should have got married to this other person! If the earlier relationships were strong, it may be wise to cut off connections rather than to imagine that nothing will happen. Jesus warns us, that our spirit may intend well but our flesh is weak.

Lifelong
There is a trend in some parts of the world that before two people get married, they sign a prenuptial agreement in which they agree on the terms they will follow if they get divorced! For them, there is an assumption that at some point they might get divorced and so they prepare for that in advance. But there is a huge difference between planning for failure and planning not to fail! In Christian marriage, we plan on staying together till death, and then we make every attempt to deal with everything that tends to separate us with such seriousness that we don't want to let that happen. Jesus said, "'For this reason a man shall leave his father and mother and be joined to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh'? So they are no longer two, but one flesh. What therefore God has joined together, let no man separate" (Matt.19:5,6).

This is what you are committing to when you make your wedding vows. Of course, like in every other marriage, you will also face many things that make you wonder if you made a mistake in marrying each other and if you should give up. But remember this promise you have given to each other in the presence of God and people, and look for help from God and people without giving up.

Unconditional
This part of the vows talk of, "In riches or in poverty, in sickness or in health, for better or for worse." This is another point to remember when you run into unexpected or unplanned situations in your life together. What it means in simple terms is that no matter what situation comes your way, you will both stay together, support each other and take care of each other. Just to give some examples, it may be that one of you has a loss of job, an accident, a transfer to another place, etc. Then the other person is tempted to think, "Well, I didn't bargain for this. It's too much for me to handle." Just pause and think. Things could have been reversed. You could be the one who is bed-ridden, lost your job, etc., and wouldn't you expect the other person to stay with you and support you? No one knows the future, and all of us hope that nothing bad will happen to us. But when you stand there on your wedding day and make this vow, what you are promising each other is that you will both stick together till the end. Remember God has given you a promise, "I will never leave you or forsake you." Trusting in Him to stand with each of you and help you, make that vow in faith. Think deeply about it.

Husbands & wives
The question of authority in marriage has become a very controversial subject that can cause heated arguments. There are different views on this, but the approach I am taking is that God who created us and who started this arrangement called marriage knows what He has in mind and also what is good for us all. So the best thing for us to do is what He says, even if we have to disagree with many people while doing this.

Let us first look at how the Father, the Son and the Holy Spirit work together in the Trinity, because that will give us a good example to apply in the relationship between husband and wife. These three Persons in the Trinity are equally God, will all the characteristics of God as being almighty, all knowing, present everywhere and sovereign. One is not above the other and one is not greater than another in terms of value. But yet they work together in a hierarchy while still in unity. The Father sent the Son to the earth as our Saviour, and yet the Son volunteered to do that. Jesus, while He was on the earth, prayed to the Father and did what the Father told Him. When He went back to be with the Father, the Father sent the Holy Spirit to be with us. The Holy Spirit does not project Himself but He exalts the Son. What we see is the three equal Persons of godhead working with different roles and even submitting to another Person in the Trinity without losing any of His value or dignity.

It is very clear from the Bible that men and women are equal in value before God. It is also true that in eternity there will not be any marriage relationships. However, it is also clear that God has entrusted different roles to men and women. In the world, there is a lot of pressure especially from feminists to eliminate this difference of roles in the process of declaring that both are equal. Their push is to say that there is no 'head' in a home and that both husband and wife are equally capable of making decisions.

We can understand where this comes from. Through the centuries, many men have ruled over their wives, almost treating them like slaves, giving them no voice in making decisions. Their greater physical strength has been misused to manage this. Obviously that is not right, and the Bible is also not asking us to do that. That is why it is important to see what God wants husbands to do towards their wives, to love them sacrificially, as Christ loves the church. This is not romantic love we are talking about, even though that is also required in a marriage. This is about a husband thinking of his wife and doing for her what she needs, even when he has to give up some of his own desires. He has to recognise that she is a woman, and consequently she thinks, feels and behaves differently from him. It takes him time and effort to understand her and her needs, and to take care to provide them for her.

It is to such a husband who loves her that a wife is being asked to submit. Obviously, what this means is not to obey him in everything, because he doesn't know everything and he needs her wisdom and experience also to help him to make decisions. Submission here is to show an attitude of respect to him as the one God has designated as the head of the family. God knows that any organisation of people has to have clarity on who is in charge, because otherwise there will be confusion. In a healthy home, the husband and wife will work together, each one fulfilling their different roles. Since they both belong to the same family there will be a lot of consultation with each other on different aspects.

What is to be clearly understood by both husband and wife is that to be the head of the home is not basically about who has the authority but who holds the responsibility over the home. As the head of the home, the husband has to recognise that whatever happens in the family is his responsibility. When he recognises this, he cannot make his decisions arbitrarily because if something goes wrong, it will be he who will have to take the blame and he has the responsibility to take care of the situation. He will be careful to consult with his wife and as far as possible, decisions have to be mutually agreed. But we human beings will not be able to agree on everything! When this happens at any time, it will be the husband's call to make the final decision and take responsibility for it. The husband will find encouragement to do the right thing for the family when he knows he has the support of his wife. That is what the wife has to provide to him.

If the husband tries to lord it over his family or the wife tries to behave as if she should be the head, there will be chaos. It may take time for both of you to find the balance in your home. What I mean by the two circular arrows in opposite directions is this. Both of you need to be supportive to the other. If the husband is loving towards his wife, he makes it easier for her to submit to him. And if the wife is submissive, that encourages the husband to love her sacrificially! Please remember that what each of you has learned from your parents may not have necessarily been the best!

Successful marriage
A happy marriage is the most intimate relationship two people can have. But a successful marriage does not happen automatically just because you love each other and then get married. It has to start with a lifelong commitment to each other. Then there is a lifelong work involved in nurturing the marriage, just as a gardener looks after a garden. Each of you has to learn to make adjustments to fit in with your partner and also give up some of your old ways. When you get married, you must realise that you are no longer single, when you could do what you wanted, go where you wanted, sleep and get up as you liked, etc. Now you have to develop new habits of thinking of another person also who is constantly with you, and plan for what he or she wants too. Some people have been used to spending much time with music, reading, games, meeting friends, etc., and now you will find that there are other more important things you need to do for the family. You have to learn some new things which your partner likes which you never used to do before. In one way, this is like a new adventure. But in another sense, there is also a lot of learning and changing both of you have to do.

All marriages have problems
Of course, some people have more problems than others, but everyone has problems. Some may always seem to have a smile on their lips, but they have only managed to present that image in front of others! My point is, when you do face problems in your marriage, don't jump to the conclusion that only you have problems or that you have made a mistake getting married to each other. If you don't have the knowledge or experience to know how to handle your situation, that is just a part of growing up. You have to admit that you have more understanding now than you had a year ago! Also, there are also others around you who know how to help you. At the same time, don't forget the almighty and all-wise God who is always near you.

There can be all kinds of situations that can happen around you, most of which come unexpectedly. What I would like to do now is to give you information that can help you to deal with issues that can come up between you.

Why problems in marriage?
You would have thought that since both of you are believers and you love each other, your marriage is not going to have any problems! But there are many natural differences between both of you, and also things can happen that you could not have anticipated.

Getting married without preparation
This counselling is a good preparation. Thankfully, many people are beginning to recognise how useful it is to prepare themselves like this before the wedding. But most people still imagine that once they get married, everything will go just fine! They spend a lot of time planning for the wedding ceremony, but hardly any time for learning about the life that is to follow. Many people naively think that as children of God things will automatically go well, or that if anything does go wrong, a prayer will be enough.

Unrealistic expectations
People are usually young when they get married, and sometimes their ideas about married life can be too romantic or impractical. Sometimes they have formed their view based on what society or movies have told them. I came across one bride who came back after a short honeymoon trip and whose heart broke when her husband told her he would have to start going for work! In her mind, she was expecting him to be always around her, talking to her and making her happy. In another case, the husband just expected his wife to take care of his parents' home while he went to work as before. One couple was shocked that marriage was not all honeymoon, but food had to be prepared, plates had to be cleaned, clothes had to be washed, bills had to be paid, etc. This kind of shock is common among some people for whom their parents had handled all the responsibilities earlier. Hopefully, the couple will soon rise to the occasion and adjust their life accordingly.

Photos are different Before and After wedding
This is one factor that shocks many people. They thought they knew their partner very well by the time they decided to get married. But after they got married and started living together, they were shocked at some of the things they noticed, and even began to wonder if this was the same person they knew earlier! What we need to understand is that the period of courtship is not always 'real'. Each of the couple is trying their best to impress the other. They go out of their way to be gracious, gentle, considerate, patient, forgiving, etc., because they want to project themselves to the other as someone the other should decide to marry. But it is another thing after the wedding. When they start living together, they lower their pretences and slowly begin to be real! This is why we have coined up the title! So, in real life situations, you must be prepared to make the transition from courtship or engagement period to married life. To tell you the truth, all your life you must be prepared to discover new things about your partner. This is real life.

Selfishness/not thinking of the partner
All of us people have a strong streak of selfishness deep inside us. This plays out in marriage too. The husband or wife assumes that the whole duty of the other person is to make them happy. So they build up their expectations based on this and get upset when this does not work out. For example, a husband keeps spending his free time with his friends as it was before marriage, and now he wants his wife to cater for them too. The wife keeps talking to her mother all the time, and wants to visit her often. When we get married, we have to realise that we cannot also have our independence as before. Now our thinking and language have to change from I, me, mine to we, us and ours. This is not easy, and we must have a good level of self-awareness, and we must learn to think about our ideas and behaviour, and to change whatever is necessary. But if we don't learn to make this adjustment, we are going to have plenty of trouble!

Unwilling to learn and change
As Christians, one of the things we must be aware of is that we all have many faults and none of us knows everything. So we must all be willing to learn and change our own thinking and behaviour. One thing that causes problems is when one person takes the position, "I am like this. I am not going to change. You can take it or leave it!"

Not prepared to face difficulties
However much you may have tried to find someone exactly suitable for you, you must realise that you are unique, and there is no one else just like you. This is another way of saying that you cannot avoid discovering new aspects about your partner. But each time you discover some such thing, it can become difficult once again to accept and accommodate. But I repeat, we have to get used to it. Don't give up. It will become better and easier.

Ashamed to ask for help
The ideal thing to do when you face problems in marriage is to talk to each other, try to understand the other, explain your position better, build up mutual respect, pray together for God's wisdom and find the way forward. But remember, there will be times when, after you have tried your best, you still do not know how to proceed. That is the time when you can talk to some mature, more experienced person or a counsellor who can help you. My suggestion is that you don't go to your parents with your problems, because it is possible that they will have their own bias, but to someone who will be impartial and also keep things confidential. This confidentiality is something you need to keep in mind because not everyone you meet may be committed to it.

Clean up the past
When you are preparing to start this new phase of your life, together with your life-partner, it is good to try and start with a clean slate to the extent possible. So here I want to talk about a few aspects you have to address. We have addressed breaking off completely from old relationships. What I want to add here is to make sure that you have made yourself open before God about the things you have spoken and done, confessed and received forgiveness and cleansing, so that now you have a clear conscience. It is possible that some time or somehow your spouse may come to know about it, and then you must be able to say clearly that there is no attachment left in the present. This is especially relevant if you have had physical relationships or commitments earlier with others.

Secondly, you will know in your heart whether you have sins of any kind in your life that you have not dealt with before God. Don't take it likely, for example, if there are sins nobody knows about. You will still need forgiveness and cleansing. If you have become a slave to special sins, seek God for deliverance from their clutches so that you can be 'clean' now. Remember, however dark your sins have been in the past, the blood of Jesus can cleanse you and make you whiter than snow (Isa.1:18).

There is another area which many people do not pay serious attention to. That is to forgive others who have hurt you. You may think that for what they have done to you and how you have suffered, they don't deserve forgiveness. But when you say that, don't forget the basis on which you have received forgiveness from God – unmerited favour, grace. Jesus warns us clearly that we cannot keep double standards here, one for us and another for others. Ask God to help you to forgive everyone else in your life.

Sometimes people ask me how much they should tell their partners about their past. Some people say they want to be completely honest with each other and not hide anything. But there is a balance we must keep. We can go to God and tell Him everything about our life. Anyway He knows everything. But the other thing about God is that He is knows everything about us and still He is able to love us with a perfect love. How many people can do that? So is it not possible that if you expose your past to your partner, and his/her love for you may disappear? My suggestion is that you must settle everything honestly with God. If things have to be confessed to God in order to receive forgiveness, that must be complete. So should our settling things with other people, as far as it is possible for us. But it will not be wise to tell every bad thing about your past to your spouse or the one you intend to marry. If, later, they come to know about it, own up and don't deny it. Explain to them that you were not trying to pretend, but only stopping from washing your dirty linen in front of them right at the beginning and spoil your budding relationship.

On the other hand, there are things you must tell the person you plan to marry, even before the wedding. For example, your medical condition regarding major illnesses you have had or have, including mental disorders, allergies, or surgeries you have had. If you have a debt to clear or if you have any arrangements with other people or organisations that bind you, you need to share these. If you are working, and you are supporting someone or your parents from your salary, that too needs to be mentioned. The idea is that you don't want to cheat your spouse. For example, imagine the shock and the sense of betrayal you may have if you get to know such things about your partner after you marry.

Our personality
From the point of view of psychology, our personality has contributions from two sides, our nature, or what we call our temperament, coming from the genes we have inherited from our parents, and what we have been nurtured into through our experiences from the time we were born. What we are by nature cannot be modified. We remain the same essentially even though we can learn to behave differently according to the demands of the situation. On the other hand, what we have been taught through experience can be unlearned and we can learn new things. Let us look at both aspects.

What we bring in
What each of you brings in to this relationship are both what you are by nature and what you have become as a result of your experiences. All of us have been born with natural skills or talents, temperamental traits and sexual characteristics typical of of whether we are male or female. Our sexuality is written into our bodies, and this in turn affects our thoughts, desires, attitudes and behaviour to a great extent. As you know, we all have certain abilities, but we also lack many other abilities. The way we behave has certain characteristics that come from our temperament, and also from whether we are male or female. We all have to understand who we have been created as, accept ourselves as we are without comparing ourselves with others and considering ourselves as being superior or inferior. We must also learn to compensate for our lacks. For example, some of us are withdrawn by nature, but we need to learn to mix with different people and work together with people who are different from us, according to the demands of the situation.

We all differ in the experiences we have gone through in life. Ideally, our parents should have provided us with a foundation of love, acceptance, encouragement, correction and guidance after we were born with practically no memory in our brain. But immediately after our birth, good and bad experiences begin to leave their imprints on our brain. As we grow, we build on what we have already learned. The trouble is that if we have gone through specially painful experiences, they tend to skew our thinking and point us in a wrong direction. Some have had more painful experiences compared to normal people, and they provide them a lot of negative baggage they are forced to carry forward. This can also affect their marriage very badly.

The good news is that the negative things we have learned through painful experiences can be unlearned, and it is possible to learn new ways. But this will usually require counselling or therapy.

Temperament
Remember, our temperament is a part of our personality that we have inherited from our parents. People have a variety of temperamental characteristics, but psychologists have managed to place everyone into typical groups showing different sets of attitudes and behaviours. I would like to describe this as four groups which we will refer to as The Jolly Type, the Achiever Type, Creative Type, and The Easy Going Type. Since many generations have passed, there has been a lot of mixing of temperaments, and now we cannot find anyone showing the pure characteristics of any one group; we are all a mixture. We can find that we belong predominantly to one group, with some characteristics from other groups too. Another thing you will find is, whichever group you are in, you will have certain strengths, but also some weaknesses. No group can be called the perfect group, and none of us is perfect too! Some people only think of their abilities, but we need to also be aware of our weaknesses and learn to overcome them in situations. One very important thing to learn as married couples is to recognise that both of them may have different sets of strengths and weaknesses. What you need to learn is to make use of the strengths of your partner to compensate for your weaknesses, and you can help where your partner is weak too. One common mistake people make is to get upset with their spouse because they are different from them and to think that they are at fault!

Now we want to look at each of these four groups in detail. The aim is that you can each identify which group you belong to, and see how many of the strengths and weaknesses given there describe you. Then, to the extent that you know, identify the strengths and weaknesses of your partner. Remember, when you discover your partner's weaknesses, that you have some of your own with which your partner is struggling! Don't forget to recognise your partner's strengths in the process, and realise that you can use them for your common advantage.

The Jolly Type
The left column shows a set of strengths and on the right you find some weaknesses. Here is a person who is admired for his friendliness, willingness to help, empathy, etc. Sometimes people in other groups wish they were like him because of his popularity. He likes to enjoy life, and is usually the life of the party where he organises games, cracks jokes or tells stories that everyone enjoys. He is optimistic in the sense of taking a view that everything is going to be fine, and people like the way he encourages them by confidently telling them that. At the same time this is just a position that he is taking, rather than based on facts he knows. People come to see this in the long run, and that is when they begin to realise that even though he means well, his words are not all to be taken as truths. He is quick at making friends and he makes everyone feel liked and loved. He seems to understand their problems and respond quickly with empathy. He quickly offers to help each one or to organise something to help them. In all these ways, this jolly person has a lot going for him to create envy in others.

But you may be shocked to see that such a person has weaknesses! He himself may be totally unaware of them. In what way is he restless? Remember he wants to enjoy life. But he loses interest in one project soon afterwards and then starts another. This is very distressing to those who joined him. He has a problem making up his mind about what to do, because his interests shift and many things look attractive. How can this person be self-centred even while he is so compassionate? Perhaps his desire to enjoy is stronger than than his commitment to help others. His emotions may shift quickly as when he is showing support for a bereaved family, and then going straight to a party. Over a period of time people begin to recognise that he is a well-meaning man, but finally they cannot entirely depend on him to do as he has promised.

What this illustrates is that everyone has strengths and weakness. If you get married to someone because you see some good points, you should not get shocked when you discover afterwards that he or she has weaknesses too. If you are the spouse of a jolly person, you can encourage him/her to excel in the areas where they are strong, while standing with them to support them to overcome their weaknesses.

The Achiever Type
This is the kind of person people will choose to get things done because they will get things done somehow or other. They have a strong will, and they will not take no for an answer or accept failure. They are always on the move, and cannot bear to sit idly or to watch others sit idly! They have confidence in themselves that they can do what they want, and they are also optimistic in the sense of believing that they can do it. They have inborn leadership qualities, and many times such people take the responsibility on themselves to tell others what they should do.

But this leadership style has a cost on others. These leaders are so bent on achieving results that they may not bother to find out how others look at their methods. They can become hot-tempered if they find anyone opposing their plans. They will push their way into people in such a way that they don't care if someone gets hurt or upset in the process. What they want to achieve are results! Subordinates may secretly hate them, but they will still follow the lead for fear of consequences. A serious issue with some of these people is that they have so much confidence in themselves that they will make quick decisions in situations without seeking opinions or suggestions from others or considering warnings from others. When the creative type of people who have analysed the details of the 'project' point out mistakes or give warnings, these leaders just 'throw them out'. But finally everyone has to admit that these leaders have got their work done, and overlook all such irritations.

The Creative Type

People who show serious creativity in any field, whether it is music, writing, acting, painting, interior decoration, design, or culinary art, tend to be from this group. The reason they are able to produce masterpieces in their fields is because they pay attention to the details, analyse the pros and cons of various options and constantly keep improving their work accordingly. They want whatever they do to be perfect, and following the same instinct, they keep telling others where they can improve! They are sensitive towards their mistakes and are generally self-protective. They are unable to take the initiative to make new friends, but once they become friends with someone, they will be utterly faithful to them and go out of their way to keep their promises even when they have to make personal sacrifices.

Due to their preoccupation with becoming perfect, they are also occupied with their own thoughts and activities. This makes them appear to be unsociable and disinterested in others, even though they actually long for friendships! One major problem with this group of people is that since they keep analysing everything, they foresee many things that can go wrong. This makes them very pessimistic about life. They keep warning others about what they perceive as dangers, but this also tends to turn others against them. Because they have analysed things in detail, they tend to be forceful in their opinions, and others see that as being rigid and unwilling to listen. When they become aware of their limitations and failures, and recognise that others are misunderstanding them, this drives them to discouragement, sometimes to the extent of losing all hope and committing suicide! We will be surprised to know how many people whom everyone admired for their achievements have suddenly ended their lives!

The Easy Going Type
These are people who never seem to lose their cool, no matter what is happening around them! When people around them are mourning a death, these people may be going around making practical arrangements for the funeral. When people burst out in laughter at a joke, at the maximum there may be a twitch around their lips! In this way they are very practical and efficient. They also have an ability to figure how to do something in a most efficient manner without wasting too much time or energy, and what they do may appear to be peculiar to others. This group also tends to have very few friends, but when they make a promise they can be depended on to keep it at all cost. One trait that tends to irritate others is their peculiar kind of humour. They are able to find something humorous in the people and situations they meet. But when they bring it out in a dry manner, the people who are at the butt of that joke get hurt!

Because these people think about the most efficient way to do things, they tend to think that if it can be done tomorrow, it need not be done today! This is very irritating to other people who are eager to get things done immediately! So these people get a name for being slow and lazy! Another thing is that they don't realise that their wit is enraging others, because they think they are having a bit of fun teasing someone. They can be stubborn because they believe their way is the most efficient and there is no need to oblige the others. Sometimes they cannot decide quickly what is to be done because they are wondering if there isn't a more efficient way to do things, which is very irritating to others who want something to be done immediately! These 'cool' people have another problem that they prefer to let others take a decision and for them to follow, rather than go through the effort of making decisions by themselves!

I hope by now you have seen that we people have a big variety among us, and also that none of us has got everything right. Life, especially marriage, is a place where we have to understand ourselves and everyone we meet with, better and better. Many times, we just have to accept others as they are, without trying to change them, and concentrate more on overcoming our own weaknesses. Many marriages fail when people are not able to recognise these differences and learn ways to deal with them wisely.

Childhood
Having looked at the differences in temperament, we need to also address the differences we have acquired due to our experiences in our childhood. Unlike animal babies, we human beings require many years of care by parents to grow mature and to be able to stand on our own feet. All of us need to know that we are loved, important and that our life has meaning and purpose. This confidence begins to be nurtured in our childhood by our experience with our parents and other important people in our lives. It is assumed here that parents recognise their responsibility in this matter and that they make the efforts to train their children. But what we notice is that parents these days have their own issues, and the ones who bear the brunt of the damage are the children. They grow up without having received the welcome, attention, affection and guidance they needed from their parents, and they pass on the effect of the dysfunction to the next generation in an amplified way. There are two reasons why we are addressing this in premarital counselling. The first is to suggest to you, that if either or both of you have suffered in this way in your growing days, you can go for inner healing programmes for yourself. Secondly I hope that you will understand the significance of being available for your children so that you can bring them up in a godly way.

Rejection is the opposite experience of the child being welcomed into the world and the family, and being accepted and appreciated, by those around them, beginning with the parents. If the child experiences rejection, or even perceives his experiences as having been rejected, its inexperienced mind tries to find ways to compensate. As they grow, some people learn to avoid getting rejected in the future by avoiding forming new friendships, doing new things, etc., for fear of failure. Some others become aggressive in drawing attention to themselves through weird behaviour. Still others give up on life itself, choosing to waste away life doing things such as drinks, drugs, gaming, etc., that give them an escape from having to face reality. Parents can also hurt their children by neglecting them, by not being available physically or emotionally for them, in the pretext of making money for the children! Verbal, emotional, physical and sexual abuse from parents harm the children's development very badly.

If either of you has gone through painful experiences like the ones described above, please approach trained counsellors privately in order to look for healing. If you assume that you can get along by avoiding to think about them, please understand that inner hurts will continue to fester deep inside the mind and harm you in many ways, until you find healing.

Love banks
This is a concept developed by Christian psychologist Dr. Willard Harley, which may be very helpful in teaching you to keep your love for each other. Imagine a bank using love as currency, located in each one of your hearts. By the way you behave towards each other, you get a chance to deposit more love into your account in your partner's heart. But if you are careless and miss these opportunities, or, worse still, say or do hurtful things to your partner, that will result in withdrawals from your account. The more balance you have in the other's heart, you are making it easier for that person to be loving towards you. On the contrary, if you keep withdrawing from your account, you will be making it more and more difficult for your partner to love you! Then, obviously, you can't blame him or her for not loving you! This is a very simple concept, but see how we also have responsibility in helping or making things difficult for our spouse to love us!

Love languages
Dr. Gary Chapman is another Christian psychologist who can help us in the context of love banks by pointing out different ways in which we can deposit more love in our partner's heart. Love languages is a term he has coined to describe common ways in which we people usually express our love for someone. In reverse, when someone does any of these things to us, we tend to see it as an expression of love from that person.

When we use words to recognise or express our appreciation for someone, we are, in turn, affirming him in his own heart. That is one way in which we can express our love. We can understand its value when we think of how rarely people compliment each other in marriage, but how frequently criticisms are sent out! There are Christian parents who do not say anything to show appreciation for their children, imagining that it might go to their head and make them proud! Can we now learn to be aware of this in our mind, and deliberately search for opportunities to affirm our spouse by using words?

Another expression of affection that is much appreciated by people is when their spouse chooses to spend time alone with them, putting away all possible things that can distract them, including children! This 'quality time' with the spouse may involve some light talk, walking along holding hands, sitting together watching the sunset, or things like that. The other spouse thinks of how their partner has left everything else that they would be normally interested in doing, and how he/she has valued spending time with them. If you both are going to be busy with so many things to do, it is even good to make an appointment in advance to be with each other!

Everyone likes to receive gifts, and especially an unexpected gift. What I mean is that gifts are usually given at special times such as birthdays, anniversaries, etc. Since the one who receives them already knew they were going to come, there was really no element of surprise. But what if the husband gave a gift to his wife for apparently no reason? She would be delighted about it and consider it as a mark of his love. It does not even have to be an expensive gift, because, as people say, it's the thought that matters. So this is another way to show your love for your spouse, by first learning about what they like, and then surprising them with it.

There are things each one usually takes responsibility for doing in their home, such as buying groceries, making coffee, etc. Because of their routine, people notice it only if someone fails to do it. Imagine if your wife brings you a cup of coffee in bed when you get up in the morning. One day, you get up and see that your wife has not got up because she is not feeling well. If you now go and make coffee for her, that would be a very special act of service for her. Or it could be one person occasionally doing what the other person normally does, just out of love or concern. These are called acts of service, which will give you big deposits in your spouse's bank!

The last one in this list is physical touch. Holding hands, putting your arms around, sitting together, giving a hug, etc., can be very special ways of showing affection. These silent demonstrations can be very meaningful, and many times more powerful than a lot of words.

There is one thing you need to know, however. Everyone has favourites among these five love languages. If you can observe what your spouse specially likes, perhaps through trying things out, then you can become more effective. There is nothing so frustrating as taking trouble to make a love deposit and then finding out that your spouse was not very thrilled about that! That can happen if we misfire, giving our spouse what they are not excited about. So you need to find out your spouse's special fancy, even outside of this list!

His needs, her needs
After carrying out a survey among hundreds of couples, Dr. Willard Harley has discovered what men and women usually expect from marriage. He has brought out the findings in his book called, "His needs, her needs." One important point that stands out is that the things each sex looks for from each other are very different. One very common assumption most people make without this information, is to think what makes one happy should make the other happy too. Not at all true! We become happy when we receive what we wanted.

I am going to describe five things, each adapted from the book, what men and women look for in marriage. Let me caution you that the list may not fit you exactly, because it is based on a statistical survey. I have even come across couples in my counselling where some expectations seem to be reversed! I'll start with the men's list, which is for the women to learn from, and then move over to the women's list for the husbands to learn from. What I have noticed is that, generally speaking, men find it very difficult to understand what the women are looking for!

Men's needs - Sexual fulfilment
When women get married, many of them get shocked when they see their husbands showing a very strong desire for sexual relationship. They describe it as, "What is wrong with my husband? Can't he think of nothing else?" But this is quite normal for husbands! God has created men with a strong sexual desire so that they will take the initiative, go looking for wives and have children with them. If wives do not understand this, they may even decide to make excuses to their husbands and keep away. Some wives begin to realise how much their husbands want this, and use it as a bargaining chip. But sexual relations are very important for a marriage, and we will look at this in more detail later on. If wives are cold or lukewarm towards this, it can be very frustrating for their husbands, and in the end the wives themselves may drive their husbands towards extramarital affairs. I am not giving an excuse for extramarital affairs, but I am telling the wives how this is one of the strongest expectations for men in marriage. If you want your husband to be happy in your marriage, certainly you cannot afford to neglect this. But if you love him and want to be satisfied in your marriage, you must learn to cooperate with him in this. Sometimes, even if you are 'not in the mood' for it, you can do it for his sake, because you love him.

Recreational companionship
This is a new concept for many women. When women are doing many things at home, they cannot understand how their husbands can 'waste their time' in 'useless' activities. Men work the whole day or night sometimes in high pressure situations, and when they come home, they look forward to some time of relaxation. Different men relax in different ways, by playing games, watching TV, pursuing some creative hobby, exercising, etc. You must not think it is a waste of time, because after this their stress level would have come down, and they are more relaxed to talk to you. I know most women have been waiting eagerly for their husbands to come home from work so that they, wives, can narrate everything that happened to them during the day. As a result, they get terribly frustrated when their husbands 'waste their time' instead! Of course, the husbands cannot be 'relaxing' like this for too long because they have responsibilities in the home too. A couple who came to me with this problem found the solution by the wife allowing her husband to watch TV for half an hour when he returned from work, with her sitting with him and taking an interest in his interests, giving him a cup of coffee and relaxing herself. After that the husband had to put off the TV and devote the next half an hour listening to what the wife had to say! What actually happens in many homes is that the moment the husband comes in, the wife begins to talk to him, he goes to his recreation, and she begins to complain to him how he has no time for her, and hence no love! Something that may help the wife is this. Imagine if her small son was going to perform something at school, and how she would have left everything aside to watch him and cheer for him! Think of cheering your husband in this way, even if you have to freshly learn to understand the things he enjoys, and learn to participate with him.

An attractive spouse
As girls grow up, they begin to take a lot of time trying to appear attractive, especially with an eye on boys who are watching them, with fashionable dresses, hairstyles, makeup, etc. But then it happens, that after the wedding, some of them think that their mission has been accomplished and they have a husband. These women then begin to neglect their appearance, even to the point of becoming sloppy or dishevelled. Their husbands begin to wonder what happened to the pretty women they married! The fact is, men always want their wives to look attractive, obviously not for attracting the attention of other men, but for their own satisfaction. They would like to introduce their wives to the others with pride, and would not like to have to make excuses for them. Wives should understand this, and continue to take care of their appearance out of love for their husbands. Of course, everyone, husbands and wives, must know that the beauty of the inner person is what can grow and become more and more attractive as people age, and also that with age, the physical appearance will change and lose the youthful appearance. But at the same time, the husbands will be happy if their wives take the effort to keep themselves good looking. We also know that for some women, it is quite the opposite, spending money and effort for looking attractive, without giving priority to the inner person.

Domestic support
One conventional role that wives had in the marriage is as the ones who primarily took care of the children and the home as seen in Tit.2:3-5 among others, is being challenged these days by the feminists. The role of the husbands as the primary breadwinner (provider) and protector, instead of making wives feel secure, is seen as a threat to their freedom. We will see later how God has designed men and women for different roles and rebelling against that is not going to do anyone good. Here what we see is an expectation from husbands that their wives will take responsibility for running the home. Problems come when wives neglect this and get more occupied with their career, dressing, appearance, social activities, etc. On the other side, if wives can see that this is one way they can be pleasing to their husbands, they can learn to do that role better.

Admiration
One weakness of men is that they want to feel great about themselves. Remember in their young days when they acted weird in front of girls to grab their attention and admiration. We can understand this better if we think of male creatures preening in front of the females in order to attract them. Think also of how men are always in competition with others, to have a bigger house, a fancier car, a better designation, a bigger joke than others! Men feel good when their wives speak well of them, including in front of others. But the sad fact is that in many marriages, the wives have taken up the role of constant criticism of their husbands, not only directly, but indirectly through talking disparagingly about their husbands to their children, friends, visitors, etc. No wonder some men decide to spend extra time at their workplace instead of coming home and facing the music! Wives must learn to look for things in their husbands that they can note with genuine appreciation.

Women's needs – Affection
There is the story of a couple who celebrated their 25th wedding anniversary. When they were finally alone, the wife asked the husband, "Do you really love me?" The husband's reply was that 25 years ago when they got married, he had told her he loved her, and if anything had changed, he would have told her! The sad observation is that even after 25 years, he had not learned anything about women! Women crave for affection. They want it all the time, in words and action, and as frequently as possible. So, it is common to hear from wives who come for counselling that they wondered if their husbands really loved them. Another husband's reply at the end of 50 years of marriage was how he had provided for her and the children all through the years. He felt that she had no right to ask such a question. But husband, if you can only remember this number one need that your wife has, and use her favourite love languages to express your love for her, you will make her so happy that she will be willing to do anything for you! Don't imagine that you gave her a nice gift for her birthday and that she will remember it for the whole year!

Conversation
Women thrive in life through talking – when they are happy, sad, fearful, confused, worried, thrilled, disappointed – they tell others about it. When they were little girls, they had a 'best friend' with whom they would share all their secrets – what happened, what so and so said or did, what she saw or heard, everything. When she grows up and begins to think of marriage, she decides, "My husband is going to be my best friend!" But then she gets married and gets very disappointed – her husband has no time for her news, he seems to be not interested at all, he even tells her that what she tells him is not relevant to him at all! Husbands must understand how important conversations are for their wives. If you love her, you must learn to have conversations with her on all kinds of subjects, even if they are not of direct interest to you. If you don't listen to her, she translates it as you don't really love her. Pretending to listen is not enough because she will soon find out. It is no use for the husband to say that he is like this, and the wife has to accept him. Of course, she has to accept him with all his peculiarities! But that does not give the husband an excuse not to make efforts to take care of his wife's needs.

Sometimes a wife tells somebody, "It is not that my husband doesn't know how to talk. When he gets with his friends, just see how they talk, laugh and all that!" It is just that with his friends, he is on the same wavelength. But with the wife, both their ways of thinking, feeling, reacting, etc., are all different! But husband, you can't make excuses here. Conversation is a strong need in your wife's life, and if you don't give it to her, you are tempting her to go after others who will talk to her. That is not something you would like!

Transparency
One way a woman recognises her husband's love is when he is open with her. The more secretive he appears to be, the less she thinks he loves her, and then even begins to be suspicious of him. She wants to be open with him about everything as to her best friend, and if he does not reciprocate, she thinks he does not love her in return. Men generally have a way of thinking that they need to tell someone something only if that person needs to know it. So husbands think they need not worry their wives with the office politics, their boss' behaviour, or all the other details of their lives. But the wives would like to know what kind of a boss her husband has, who his friends and colleagues are, what kind of a work he is doing, where he is at any point of time, etc., so that she can be at peace and not worry about him. For example, when a husband has not come home at the usual time, the wife begins to wonder if he has had an accident, a heart attack, been mugged, etc. All he needs to do to be caring towards her is to keep her informed. On the contrary, if he keeps excusing himself casually after he comes back home that he just had some extra work, and this goes on, she begins to wonder if anything else is going on.

Financial security
Many wives these days are earning their own income. But even then they worry about what they will do if 'anything happens to my husband?' Even if the husband is not able to show her any huge wealth he has prepared for her, what he can do to reduce her anxiety is to be open with her about what he has done in preparation. He can have joint bank accounts with her, or make her the nominee for his accounts, show her his will and give her instructions about what to do, who to contact, etc. If he does this much, she will feel secure thinking that her husband is planning for her future also!

Family commitment
Many husbands make a terrible mistake when they think that bringing up children is their wives' responsibility, ignoring their own responsibility for it as fathers. As a result, in some families, the father does not even know which class their children are studying in, who their friends are, which classmate is bullying them, who their teachers are, etc. The fathers end up as disciplinarians who really do not understand what is going on. This puts a heavy burden on the mothers, and also, as the children grow up, there will be a great distance between the fathers and the children. Children are a joint responsibility, and bringing them up, planning for them, watching them grow, training them, etc., jointly is one of the joys of a marriage.

This is a practical key to a happy marriage. Many people get married expecting that it is the duty of their spouse to make them happy. But this is saying that you will pave the way for your happiness if you make efforts to make your spouse happy. When we say, 'make your spouse happy' it does not mean that you do whatever they want or ask for. But you always try to do what will be the best for your spouse. That is one definition of love. That is the opposite of selfishness.

Wrong ways of communication
Most of the problems in marriage come from the husband and wife not being able to understand each other. Even at the risk of great repetition, let me say that you two are different in various ways! Therefore, it becomes all the more important to get to know each other more and more closely. It must come to the place where you almost know what the other person is thinking! But the way to develop that kind of understanding between each other is conversation. You have to learn to talk to each other more and more. The problem is that in many marriages, the communication does not go beyond, "Is dinner ready?", "Have the children gone to bed?", etc. You can say you are talking, but there is no depth there. Another problem is that many times conversations end up in arguments and fights, and people begin to think that it is better not to talk, so that at least fights can be avoided. But that is not correct. When you stop talking, you don't stop thinking! Imaginations begin to grow, and the strife increases. Jokingly, let me give an example. A wife is thinking like this, after both of them have stopped talking to each other. "My husband is always like this. No wonder, his father is also like that. Oh no, his whole family is like that, the whole community!" Just imagine, when they finally start talking to each other, what ammunition she has collected during the silent period! No, it is important to talk, especially after a misunderstanding, to clear up the misunderstanding. I know you will be upset at that time and won't feel like talking. But you must both be determined to talk, and when the emotions have cooled down, you must start talking.

There are some typical wrong ways in which husbands and wives end up talking to each other. Do try to understand these so that you can avoid them.

Debate competition
Think of a debate competition in a school, where two teams are given two sides of a subject to debate. One side may get a subject which everyone knows is not right, but they are forced to argue with the other team saying that they are right. Suppose you two have an argument. If one of you knows that you are wrong, what will you do? Realise that you are wrong and agree with your spouse? If you do that, good for you! But if your ego doesn't allow you to admit any mistake, and you continue to argue that you are right, the marriage is going to get affected.

Here is an important truth you must learn. None of us knows everything, and all of us are wrong sometimes. Can you personally accept this fact that you could be wrong, and when you see that you are wrong, listen to the other? That will really help you to become one with each other more quickly. Remember, in a marriage, since both people can be right or wrong at different times, please decide in your mind that it will not matter to you who is right, but only what is right. Memorise this!

Sales talk
You may have noticed that when salesmen talk, they exaggerate the good points about their products and keep silent about their negative sides. We can't do that in a marriage. If we try to push some idea to our spouse and behave like a salesperson, our spouse will get the impression that we are not being fair, but being dishonest. So, even when you are talking about something you want, be willing to hear the other side in a balanced manner. Don't push for your ideas at the expense of making your spouse having a bad opinion about you.

Opposition party
Perhaps you have noticed the opposition parties in some governments assuming that their role is to oppose, and opposing the ruling party even when they are proposing something good for the people! Everyone can see that this is unreasonable, but these opposition parties are only thinking of breaking down the ruling party, and not about the people. This kind of situation sometimes happens in marriages also, when one person criticises the other person in an unreasonable manner. If he/she gets upset with the other person, then they see everything that the other person does as wrong. Obviously, this has to be avoided.

Free for all!
Unfortunately, this is a very frequent problem in human communications, when both people are talking at the same time, and both are trying to speak louder than the other. They are only interested in letting the other person know what they think, and they have absolutely no interest in listening to the other and understanding their point of view. This comes from an underlying assumption that their own view is right. It can also be because the husband assumes that he is the head of the house and his opinion is the one that matters. In that case, he wants his wife to clearly understand what he wants. On the other hand, the wife thinks she is not being heard, and she is determined to say what she thinks even if it causes a fight. We can see without any special effort that this approach will never work.

Communication in marriage
There are all kinds of communications happening between people at different levels – parents and children, boss and subordinates, colleagues, friends, teachers and students, etc. Communications in marriage are special, because this relationship is the closest and the most intimate one anyone can experience. Therefore, how husbands and wives talk to each other must have a special characteristic of its own. Remember this point especially – if you want to become one with each other, everything you say to each other and how you say it must be aimed towards building that oneness. That is not easy, because the greatest enemy exists within ourselves, our selfishness. When we get married, we are not used to living in such a close relationship with anyone, and so there is a lot we need to learn.

Honesty, openness, trust
As we have seen in the beginning, God's goal for marriage is that the husband and wife should become 'one'. It will be immediately obvious that two people cannot become really one if both of them or one of them keeps things hidden from the other. It should also be obvious from our discussion so far that this goal is not expected to be reached immediately upon marriage but to be aimed at always so that all things can make progress towards that. Trust in each other will be the foundation on which this oneness has to be built. Yet, at the same time, the two people need time to get to know each other and find that the other person is trustworthy. But think of what happens if one of them does something that breaks the trust of the other, by being dishonest or hiding something from the other and then getting caught. Then it will be a hard and long journey back to trust.

Many people do not realise how serious this is. When couples come for counselling after one has cheated on the other, let us say the husband has had an affair that got found out accidentally, the wife feels betrayed and finds it very difficult to trust her husband again. But the husband cannot understand why she cannot forgive him and move on, especially after he has apologised. It is not that simple or easy. It is so much better to take every measure to avoid such a situation than to have to painfully work through it.

If, from the time they get married, they take pains to be honest and up front with each other, they can begin to trust each other. That will help them to share their feelings, challenges, failures, dreams, disappointments, etc., with each other and find the comfort of knowing that their spouse will stand with them. This is very important for the marriage to become what God intended it to be.

Listen and understand
Everyone wants to be heard, and so many people will even use force to make others listen to what they want to say. But, in the process, many people do not realise that without listening to what the others have to say, they cannot understand things properly and also that their own ideas may not be fitting for the situation. What we see and observe may not be enough to assess what is going on, because we may be mistaken about the others; they may have a different motive than what we have assumed. So, we must understand that listening is a very important part of the conversation. Through listening, we can begin to understand what the other person thinks, feels, his intentions, etc. Then we will also have the further advantage of being able to ask him clarifying questions.

We must also realise that listening is not the same as hearing. Many hear, but their mind may be somewhere else. But when we listen, we have a desire to understand the other person. After listening, we can also confirm with the other person if what we have understood is what he meant.

Expressing appreciation
We know how human beings are so used to complaining and finding fault that soon after the wedding it becomes 'normal' in married life too! This results in real conversations becoming less and less, and the distance increasing between the two. Unless we deliberately learn to overcome this tendency, our dreams about a happy marriage will remain only as dreams! When we think of it, we can see that everyone has some strengths or good points even when they have problems. We have to become reasonable in letting our spouses know what we appreciate in them, and cut down drastically on finding fault with them. We must learn from the common saying, "If you have your finger pointing at others, don't forget that you have three fingers pointing back at you!" But expressing appreciation does not come naturally to us. We have to make an effort for it. Perhaps we are used to thinking that if we were to praise someone it would go to their head. There is a difference between flattery, where you exaggerate someone's good points in order to get into their favour, and genuinely appreciating someone. We looked at 'words of affirmation' when we looked at love languages, as a means of increasing deposits in the love bank.

Ground rules for communication
Knowing that our fallen human nature has wrong tendencies that can show themselves unexpectedly, it is good to have some general rules we can observe when we are talking to our spouse. Our goal is to try and prevent misunderstandings or fights that can come up the moment one of us becomes careless.

All of us have limits about how much disturbance we can tolerate. If that limit gets crossed, by someone or something in the situation, we lose control. Psychologists describe this losing control as us becoming temporarily mad! What that means is that, after we lose control, what we say and do becomes out of control, so much so that afterwards we wonder how we could have done that! So, the rule number one for communication is this. First each of you must learn to become aware of yourself so that you will know when your limit is about to be crossed. Since your goal here is to avoid losing control, whenever you are aware of such a possibility, it is better to pull out of the discussion. You realise you can't handle yourself. Then the right thing to do is to indicate to your partner that you would like to pause – and have a 'time-out', so that you can cool down, think about things and then come back to the discussion. Together, you can agree on a time when you can continue the discussion. This rule can save a lot of problems.

Another common situation requires another rule. There is a tendency among couples to gripe about their spouse in front of others. Many times this is done in the form of humour, and then everyone laughs. But one person in that group realises that it was backstabbing. It hurts! Some people will retaliate, and it even becomes an ugly fight. But this is something husbands and wives should never do, trying to make their spouse look small in front of others. Sometimes it is not passed on to visitors or friends, but to children, trying to drag them into the triangle. But you can agree together about a subtle signal that you can send to your spouse without the others in the room catching on to it. It could be as simple as touching one's ears. When the spouse sees it, they can understand that they were about to cross this limit.

Communication skills

Understand the whole person
Many people are not aware that communications are much more than the words we use. Our tone of voice, the look in our eyes, our facial expression, our body posture – all can convey parts of the whole message. For example, if the words don't agree with what the face shows, that gives an indication that things are not all straightforward. Apart from this, what a person says has behind it the influence of his temperament and the experiences he has gone through. So we can see that if we really want to understand what a person is saying, we need to pay full attention to him. The more we get to know 'where he is coming from', the more clearly we can understand his words.

Listening is the secret
People want to become better at how they speak. But in an interpersonal exchange, the key to success is our skill in listening. Most people assume that they can easily understand what someone is saying, thinking that it is all about words. So, while the other person is speaking, they are only mentally preparing what they are going to say when they get the opportunity! Their replies may have nothing to do with what the other person actually said. You can observe this in a discussion, that one person merely keeps repeating some point in different forms without answering what the other person has said.

Tune in the other's frequency
You may have noticed in a walkie-talkie, you can hear what the other person is saying. But when you want to talk, you have to press a 'talk' button and then talk. Both are using different frequencies, and if you want to hear the other person, you have to switch to his frequency. In a figurative sense, each of us has a unique frequency based on temperament, experience, etc., and our way of thinking and speaking may also have their nuances. So, if we want to understand what someone is saying, we have to make the effort to shift in our mind from our world to his. In other words, understanding someone takes effort, especially as we begin to know him.

Clarify your understanding
Due to all these differences between people, we can't be very sure we have understood what they said, unless we know them very well. Especially when we are talking about serious issues of life, we need to make sure that we do understand. A simple way is to repeat to them what we have understood from them, in our own words, and ask them to confirm if we got it right.

No mind reading
There was a husband who came to me complaining that his wife was flirtatious with all men. But in all the years of their marriage, he had never raised the issue or asked her about it. He used to show his displeasure in an indirect manner by slamming the door, pushing the plate away, etc. She was totally confused, not knowing why he was angry. When I asked him about this, his reply was, "She should know!" This is a common idea that people have, that if something is very clear to them in their mind, it must be clear to everyone else too. Not at all! Unless we tell them what is on our mind, it is unreasonable to expect that others would understand.

Overlook a lot of faults
Why this is being brought up here is because some people think that every single thing must be sorted out between husband and wife. That would actually be impossible for them to argue about every word, every connection with past incidents, etc. Have you noticed that God wants us to forgive people, and He also tells us to bear with people. This bearing with one another will be required a lot, because no matter how much of talk they may have together, many differences will remain and cannot be changed. So each one will have to bear with a lot of things they see in the other. At the same time, identify major issues between you two, that are continuing to trouble you. Talk about them, as a priority.

Two genders

We have seen earlier, that in the beginning God created us as male and female, and that He has created us in His image. But even though as human beings, both male and female have many things in common, God also designed us differently in order to equip us for the different roles He wanted us to have in this world. A family starts when a man and a woman come together in marriage, each contributing their own strengths to the family and each helping to carry the other's burdens.

A major cause of problems in marriage is because husbands and wives do not seriously take into consideration these differences that exist between men and women. Each one expects that the other can understand them easily and gets totally perplexed when it does not happen. Therefore, in preparation for marriage, it is good for both of you to learn a few things about how different the other person is from you.

Equal in value, different in role
First of all we must recognise that men and women are equal in value but designed for different roles. Both have been created in the image of God (Gen.1:27). In the kingdom of God, God places no difference in value between male or female (Gal.3:28). One day, in eternity with God, there will be no arrangement called marriage with different roles for men and women, and we will all be sexless like the angels (Matt.22:30). At the same time we must recognise the different roles and responsibilities that God has assigned to husbands and wives in marriage. It is disastrous to consider and behave as if there are no such differences, because they are there, and each of us needs to fulfil that particular role to contribute to a successful marriage and find satisfaction for ourselves. Within a marriage, as we have seen before, the husband is given the overall responsibility over the family while wives and children have their own roles and responsibilities.

Complementary roles
Since the husband is a man and the wife a woman, they have different roles in the marriage. Both of them are not designed to take the role of the other because none of them has the special abilities that the other has, to carry out their tasks, speaking of physical and psychological strengths. (It may happen in unusual circumstances, such as when one of them is sick and unable to do something, that the other tries to take that responsibility also.) But when husbands and wives understand their own roles and respect the other's role, they can learn to complement each other. If they can learn to work together, making use of each other's availability, the overall result can be greater than what both of them could have achieved individually.

Looking at life differently
Generally speaking, men look for achieving great results and becoming great in their own minds and before other people. They seem to be always in competition with others to prove that they are greater than the others – bigger house, fancier car, latest phone, etc. They start on this from schooldays. Look at what boys talk about, how one can run faster than all others, how one can throw the ball higher, how their dad can beat up everyone else, etc. Look at the uniforms men wear, showing that one has a bigger rank than the others. Etc. Men also look at life as a series of problems to be solved, or challenges to be overcome.

Women, on the other hand, aim at building relationships. Apart from the major goal of having a most loving relationship with their husbands, they are also in the business of making friends with everyone they meet. They like to feel secure knowing that there are many people on their side. They also like to encourage others to build relationships. Women also take to care-giving roles easily, such as medical work, social work, prayer groups, teaching children, etc. Generally speaking, women also take a lot of interest in making things look good, arranging the home and keeping things look pretty and in order, making sure that everything matches in style and colour, etc. You can see that men and women are different, but also how they complement each other.

Respect each other
We should not think that just because the other person is very different from us, because of that they are wrong! No. We are not complete in ourselves, not right always, and we need the others to do what we cannot do, give us perspectives that we had not seen, balance us in our thinking, teach us new things, etc. Remember, God knew that it was not good for us to be alone, and therefore He gives us someone to complement us. If we received someone exactly like us, what would we get from marriage? So, it is good that we get someone who is different from us, who can fill in for our lack and we for theirs. In this way we need to respect each other.

We must recognise this tendency in us to want to change the others to become like us. Many people try for many years to change their partners, and finally give up! Some Christians then tell themselves that it is their cross which God has given them to carry! No! They are there to complement us, not to give us trouble. That is a wrong understanding of the cross. If we can understand the value of the contributions our partner can make to our life, then we can learn to respect them more.

This picture shows some of the ways in which men and women have been designed for special roles. Men are on average 50% stronger than women, their heart is bigger, lungs are larger and muscles are stronger. What this all indicate is that men have been designed to be able to do hard, physical work in order to provide for their family and protect them. There is one rather unfortunate thing that men have gone wrong in because of their physical strength. They try to end their arguments with their wives using their physical strength, because they are no match for their wives' verbal skills, and this has resulted in large scale physical abuse of wives. Another anomaly we observe is when some men use this physical strength to bully their wives and force their wives to work while they remain idle. But it is obvious that this was not what God had given them strength for.

On the other hand, women have been specially designed not only to bear babies, but also to nurture them. If you see the woman who is pointing her finger, you can see that her forearm takes a bend at the elbow. (This is the reason that girls are generally not able to throw straight!) Doctors call this a carrying bend. Because of this, her arm is better designed for carrying babies with ease. Couple this with the next picture that shows a mother carrying her child on her hip. Now we can understand the purpose of God giving a young woman an hourglass figure, where her chest narrows down to the waist and then widens into the hip. You may have seen village girls carrying pots of water in the same way. Another important thing to realise is how women have a special ability to connect with children, make sounds to them and talk in their language, express physical affection to them and leave them an example of sacrifice and patience. The sad thing we see nowadays is when wives leave these God-given abilities and responsibility, and go after career, pleasure, etc.

Some gender differences
There is a lot of information available now about the differences between men and women. The physical differences are the most well known. But there are many psychological differences too. If couples do not know about these, that can lead to a lot of misunderstanding, frustration and disappointment. I would suggest that you read some of the many books that are available in the market on this subject. I would like to mention only some of the highlights.

Brain usage
Studies of the brain have revealed that while men and women share the same structure, many parts of the female brain can be active at the same time whereas the male brain tends to focus on the function of one part at any one time. In other words, men have a 'limitation' that they can usually do only one task at a time, women can be involved in different activities at the same time. I would like to illustrate this with two typical examples. Imagine a family sitting together and watching TV, making comments about what they can see. Suddenly the father gets a phone call from his boss. He tells the family that he has to talk to his boss, and so asks them to switch off the TV, stop talking to one another, etc., so that he can talk without disturbance. If he is talking to the boss, that is all he can do at that time, and anything else happening in the room that needs his attention will be a distraction. On the other hand, imagine a mother in the kitchen, stirring up something on the fire, with a baby on her left arm with a bottle of milk put into its mouth, and talking to her friend on the mobile phone which is caught between her neck and her right shoulder. That is not all! Her toddler son walks into the kitchen, and she can easily switch the attention to him and ask him what he wants, and then explain to her friend she was talking to her son!

God has designed man to be a single tasker, so that he can focus on the current task and solve problems with that, before he moves on to the next task. Someone has used the example of his brain organised in the form of a filing cabinet. He thinks of one task, goes and pulls out one drawer from the cabinet, picks up one file from there, goes to his table and works on it. When that is done, he goes to the cabinet, drops back the file there, closes the drawer, opens another drawer, picks up another file and takes it to his table! That is single tasking. But a wife is designed to be a multi-tasker, having to oversee many different things at home at the same time. So someone has said that her brain is organised with connections to many different parts at the same time.

This difference can give rise to many kinds of quarrels between husband and wife. Let me mention just two. When the husband is very busy with something he is doing, the wife comes and starts talking to him. She doesn't realise that he cannot handle the two things at the same time. She is disturbing whatever he is doing. But if the wife knew about this single-tasking husband, she could have waited till he was free. Another example is about what happens when they are talking to each other. As they are talking about one subject, the husband gets confused when she starts talking about another subject. It is not that she has forgotten about the first subject, but while she is processing that in her brain, this other subject also came up and that also gets her attention. She has no problem switching back to the first subject again! Obviously, it takes time for husbands and wives to get to know each other and become aware of things like this.

Talking
The differences between the way men and women talk is an interesting bit of study, and features all kinds of humorous situations. We will look at some of the common aspects in a short while. As with many other gender differences, if the couple is not aware of these differences, it will lead to many misunderstandings.

Conflict management
When men face a conflict, they need time to process it in their mind privately before he can decide what action he needs to take about it. They don't like to talk about it with anyone unless they are finally convinced that they need help. It is not like that with women. When they have a problem, they would like to straightaway talk about it. If the husband is not available or not interested, the wife has to find someone else to talk with, and this can sometimes lead to serious problems. Knowing this, husbands should learn to recognise when their wives are coming to them with a pressure on their head, and make time to listen and show empathy to them.

Approach to sex
Sexual relationship between a husband and wife is one of the major parts of their overall relationship. Some people in the modern times make things out in such a way as if it it the most important aspect of marriage. Because of that assumption, people want to experiment and find out before wedding, if they are 'sexually compatible'. But that is how openly sinful the world is becoming. But even when we know how to put sexual relationship in its proper place, the expectations about it are usually different for the husband and wife. This too causes many problems in marriage. Some people think that sex is a subject we should not openly address in premarital counselling. But I think that a lack of proper understanding in this area is causing a lot of problems in many marriages, which the couples are very embarrassed to talk about. So they continue to suffer. I would say that at the time of the premarital counselling, enough information must be given to the couples so that they can learn to avoid common problems.

Gender bias in communication
People have observed hundreds of people and discovered that there are certain different characteristics to the way men and women speak. At the same time we also discover that there are exceptions to these observations. Once after I presented these differences to a group of people, one woman told me very angrily that her daughter was not like how I described girls, trying to prove that I was wrong! But these are statistics based observations.

The reason for talking
There is a reason why men talk, and there is quite another reason why women talk. In general, women speak three times more words in a day than the average man! This is the butt of many jokes men make against women. But the fact is that women are more articulate, their vocabulary is larger, they can talk about feelings as well as facts, they are able to empathise more quickly, etc. Why do men talk less? It is because they talk only if they think that there is some information to be given or received, which is necessary for what they have to do next. They don't say anything unless they think someone needs to hear it. For example, they think there is no need for their wives to know what is happening in the office! Some husbands also think that they do not want to get their wives worried by giving them information, But women are not like this. Their reason for talking is that conversation is building a connection between two people. The more connection they want with someone, the more they will talk. This is one way they will express their love. They will talk of anything that catches their attention or anything that might be of interest to others. They are flabbergasted when they go to their husbands and want to talk and talk to them, and face a lack of interest from the husbands. They are also disappointed when their husbands don't tell them about what all is going on in their lives.

Men's/women's interactions
When a wife shares a problem with her husband, the usual reaction from her husband is to tell her what to do next and what she should not do. I said earlier that men are looking very much at solving problems, and so, this is his way of showing her love. But in many cases, the wife knew herself what to do, and she had not come to her husband looking for a solution. What she wanted from him was only his attention, empathy and understanding. The husband does not realise that, and so off he goes with presenting his solution, and for the life of him, he cannot understand why the wife is upset!

Single taskers, multi-taskers
The multi-tasking ability of women show up in the way they talk also, which can be very confusing for men who handle only one thing at a time. While women are talking with their husbands about something, suddenly they switch the discussion to some other subject. It is like having multiple channels of thoughts in the women's brains, and her switching her talking to another channel in the middle of a discussion about another channel.

Men and women facing problems
Men generally do not like to ask for help. They would like to imagine that they should handle all their things by themselves. So when they face problems, they begin to think deeply about them, and in effect isolate themselves from everyone else in their mind. Sometimes it happens that a wife notices that her husband seems to be worried about something, and she goes to him and starts asking him about it. But he does not want to be disturbed at this time. She misunderstands this and thinks he does not love her! On the contrary, when a woman faces a problem, she wants to talk about it, and the first person she likes to go to is her husband.

Asking for help
Men have an ego issue when it comes to asking for help. He would like to imagine that he will have to handle his problems by himself. But women are quite open about asking for help from anyone. A classic example is when a couple is driving in their car and they come to a place where they do not know which turn to take. The wife tells her husband to ask someone for directions, but the husband may take a turn, go around and come back to the same place, but he will still not ask for help!

One subject at a time
When a husband starts a conversation with his wife, he is planning on talking about something in particular. But then she mentions something else in the middle, and when he gets confused about that, she returns to the original subject. The husband wonders what the connection is between the two subjects she has addressed, and cannot find any. The clue is in the fact that when a man stores a memory in the brain, he stores facts about that story. But a woman also stores the emotion she had felt about the subject. Now when she is talking about that story, she remembers the emotion. That then links her memory to another story in her life that caused the same emotion. That connection is very real to her and she brings up that subject with her husband. But the husband is confused because he cannot see that connection!

Indirect talk
A man went to a counsellor to learn how to make his wife happy, because he thought that she was rejecting whatever he tried. The counsellor suggested that he should surprise her with something that made her feel special. When he went home, his wife was in the kitchen preparing dinner. He hugged her and told her she did not need to cook that day because he was going to take her out for dinner! But you can imagine his dismay when she looked at him and told him that she was not in the mood then. He went away perplexed, thinking that there was nothing he could do. But she stood in the kitchen and wondered how dumb he was!

What happened? She was secretly delighted when her husband told her about the dinner. Her answer was a trick she played on him. What she wanted him to do was to insist that they should go out for dinner. That would have convinced her how much he loved her! What she had actually said was only meant to be a cue for him to forcefully express his love for her!

Fact vs. feeling
One day a man came home from work, when his wife came and asked him why he never bought anything for her! He was shocked, and his logical mind started listing all the things he had bought for her. But she was not consoled. Later on she told him what had happened. She had gone visiting next door, where that wife showed her a dress which her husband had just given her. Looking at that, this wife felt a desire in her mind for her own husband to give her something. It was this feeling that made her say what she did. Sometimes words have to be understood as coming from feelings and must not be taken literally. But men 'hear' only what they are told. So, for him, when he heard 'never', he thought she meant never. Same problem with 'always' too!

Approach to sex
It is important to know that men and women approach sexual relationship through different paths, and what they are looking for is also different. Men are highly excitable in their sexual desire, and it is usually the sight of a woman or a sexually suggestive picture that can stir up that desire. Their imagination taking off thinking of something from the past or a physical touch can also trigger off this desire. Once excited, the level of desire can shoot up to the maximum level in a very short time, and then they are ready for sexual intercourse. (Women need to understand this, because if you dress in a way that provokes man, or flirt, how he reacts is at least partly coming from your indiscretion.) With women, it is very different. They are excited by emotional happiness concerning a man whom they love, and it is in this state of mind that they desire to have an intimate relationship with the man. Even then it takes them a comparatively long time to be physically excited to the level of being ready for intercourse.

Sexual relationship
Many in the modern times think of sexual relationship as a way of enjoying the highest form of physical pleasure. They are looking for someone to give them that pleasure and to satisfy them. Certainly there is a great physical and emotional pleasure involved in sexual intercourse. But the husband-wife relationship is one of love for each other, and the sexual relationship is a most intimate way of expressing that love for each other. Without that love in their hearts, the pleasure becomes merely physical, as when two strangers have a sexual relationship. When we understand that in its purest form, love is a desire to do good for another with a willingness to even make sacrifices to do that, we can also understand that sexual relationships are also not meant to derive pleasure for oneself by using someone else, but a deep expression of the love that is already there.

When God has created men to be leaders in the home, that leadership shows in the way a man pursues a woman to make her his wife, and also how he usually takes the initiative to start a sexual intercourse. For men, sexual desire is a strong physical desire, and then it is for a good Christian husband to make sure that it is combined with love when he wants to have relationship with his wife. On the other hand, for women, the desire is strongly combined with emotional attraction. It is when a wife is very happy with her husband that she wants to have a sexual relationship with him. We can jokingly tell husbands, "If you would like to have sex with your wife tonight, you must start yesterday!" meaning that he needs to make sure first that she is in love with him already. When they both plan to have intercourse, the husband gets fully excited almost immediately. But then, he has to help her to get physically excited and ready through physical touch and emotional talk, before the intercourse can start. Many times men get impatient because they are fully excited, and force their wives to start the relationship even before they are ready for it. In that case, it becomes a selfish act, and not an expression of love.

When wives notice how important sex is for their husbands, some of them use it to manipulate their husbands, offering them sex if only they would fulfil some demand from the wife, or denying them sex if they have offended the wife in some way. This is cruel and ungodly. On the other hand, some wives who do not enjoy sex much make various excuses and end up starving their husbands of his legitimate needs. "The husband must fulfill his duty to his wife, and likewise also the wife to her husband. The wife does not have authority over her own body, but the husband does; and likewise also the husband does not have authority over his own body, but the wife does. Stop depriving one another, except by agreement for a time, so that you may devote yourselves to prayer, and come together again so that Satan will not tempt you because of your lack of self-control" (1Cor.7:3-5). Such wives may not realise how they are making things difficult for their husbands, and as a result, husbands who are not able to control themselves are tempted to reach out to other women, committing adultery.

Some women who have grown up in a protected way have an idea that somehow sex is a dirty, sinful thing. So they try to keep away from it, or when they are compelled by their husbands, give in thinking that they are doing something that God does not like. In this case, the normal pleasure that should come from a normal relationship will be missing, and that causes both people to stop looking forward to it. On the other hand, some men force their wives to have intercourse, even before they are ready, and the result is not pleasurable and even painful. This causes those wives to constantly give excuses to their husbands when the husbands ask for sex. This makes the husbands complain that their wives are not cooperating with them in sex, but if they think about it, it is they who have made things to become like that.

Sexual excitement - male, female
This is a medical chart that shows the difference between the way men and women get excited sexually with each other. As you can see, men's excitement builds us very quickly, and then they are ready for intercourse. But then their wives are not ready yet! By the time the husband is ready, the wife's vagina has not started releasing a lubricant that is necessary for the penis to enter and move freely. That takes more time. And it needs still more time for the wife to become excited enough for intercourse. It must be understood that only when both are ready that the intercourse can be maximally pleasurable to both. Therefore, even though the husband is excited, he must keep in pace with his wife, and encourage her to be fully excited through foreplay that includes endearing words and physical touch, before he starts the intercourse. When the intercourse is at its climax, both husband and wife feel what is called orgasm, which is a feeling of bliss as the brain releases a chemical into the blood stream that causes them to feel good and relaxed.

Now, a problem that happens in many families is that the as soon as the husband is ready, he wants to start the intercourse, and goes ahead even though his wife is far from being ready. Since there is no lubrication inside the vagina at this time, the intercourse becomes an unpleasant experience, sometimes to the extent of causing bleeding. The husband gets his orgasm, but the wife does not, because she did not have enough time to get excited. A sad fact is that many wives have never felt a single orgasm in their life, but have become pregnant and given birth to children. But it is no wonder that they withdraw from the idea of sex altogether.

Practical suggestions for men
Since the husband is stronger than the wife physically, and he is usually the one to take the initiative to have a sexual intercourse, there are certain special points he has to keep in mind. When you have sex with your newly married wife for the first time, be especially gentle with her. She may be scared about the coming experience, and you have to be assuring towards her in all your dealings, in the way you talk to her, touch her, etc. At the very first intercourse, there are chances of some pain and bleeding, but she must not be put off by that, because afterwards it will become very pleasurable. As time goes on, the husband must notice if his wife is going through physical challenges such as headache, backache, etc., or through normal emotional upheavals or premenstrual periods when she may be disturbed. These are times to be gentle with her, knowing that it is not appropriate to press her for intercourse at such times. Don't forget that when you are initiating a sexual relationship, it is your duty to excite your wife through physical caresses, kisses, etc., and through endearing words. Keep your impatience under control, and wait till your wife is fully ready before you start the intercourse. Another thing husbands may not know is that even after the climax is over, a woman remains in a state of physical excitement for some more time, and that you should be there with her till she finally cools down.

Some issues
The spirit of the world is selfishness, and so, people want to have their pleasure through sex but not the responsibility of bearing children. So they have sex without restriction, and then take contraceptives afterwards to make sure there is no pregnancy. Now there are two types of contraceptives, one meant to prevent conception, and the other to destroy the conception after it occurs. As Christians, we do not want to destroy life after it is formed, and so we have to be careful about the choice of contraceptives too. Another issue is when people of the world pursue after pleasure to the maximum and discover that they are not getting the same pleasure as earlier. So they even go to unnatural kinds of intercourse, pushing the limits of pleasure. But they have to deal with the consequences of a physical or medical nature. If we deviate from God-ordained paths, there will be adverse consequences, not to mention the displeasure of God.

When you get married and have sexual intercourse, you may come across some rare physical or psychological hindrances because of which you are not able to proceed in the normal way. I shall mention two types of sexual dysfunctions that happen, that may be handled through counselling. Some men have a fear in their mind, wondering if they would be able to perform successfully in the matter of sex, or if they will be able to satisfy their wives. One possibility is where the penis is unable to remain erect sufficiently long to go through the intercourse, and the other is that ejaculation of semen takes place too soon before the excitement can build up for the wife. If these are due to fear or wrong thinking, they can be corrected through counselling. There are some women who have grown up thinking that sex is sin or have been told that sex is a very painful thing. There are even people who teach that the original sin of Adam and Eve was sexual intercourse. But it is very clear that even before sin came into the world, God's instruction for men and women was to be fruitful and multiply, and we know how that happens! But for some such women, because mentally they are not eager to have sex, their vagina does not open up to allow the penis to enter, or it never secretes the lubricating fluid. Counselling can help in such cases. But there may be physical reasons also why these things happen, and if counselling does not work, you can consult a doctor.

Sexual addiction is something that is increasingly ruining marriages. Due to the easy availability of pornography both on computer and the smartphone, many young people, including a number of girls, become enslaved. Their whole view of the opposite gender gets changed, and everyone becomes a sex object for them. On top of this, the open and forceful propaganda by deviant sexual behaviour and choosing a gender for oneself contrary to what God has given them, puts young people into a confusing world where they don't know any more what is right or wrong. But the Bible is clear. If you follow it, you can be protected from it, and if you have already become enslaved, the Lord Jesus has come as our Saviour to set us free (Matt.1:21;Rom.6:14). There are many helpful articles from Christians online and also on my website.

Conflict resolution
Some young people get married imagining that their marriage is going to be like heaven on earth, and when they find themselves disagreeing about something, they get discouraged and even wonder whether they made a mistake in choosing each other! Let us remind ourselves that we are all so different from one another that disagreements are unavoidable. Successful marriages are those where they have learned successfully to manage their disagreements. Disagreements cause conflicts – who is right and who is wrong, whose opinion must we accept, should I admit I was wrong, should I insist on doing things a certain way, how much should I compromise, etc.

I would like to repeat something we have mentioned earlier. No one is right all the time, none of us knows everything, we all make mistakes, and when we are wrong, we can learn from the others. This time the husband may be right and the wife wrong, but next time the wife may be right and the husband wrong. Another time, both of them may be partially right and partially wrong. So, in a marriage, the question to be settled is not who is right and who is wrong, but simply what is right. Leave personalities aside and look for facts, truths and wisdom.

When a disagreement comes up, avoid all the wrong ways of communication which we looked up earlier. The first thing each one has to do is to listen carefully and understand what exactly the other person is saying. We have talked earlier about how to do this, about how it is not easy to understand another person's point of view unless we make a special effort to listen, and how to clarify our questions till we are sure we are clear.

The best way to deal with conflicts is to talk things over with each other. After we have understood the other person's point of view and explained our position, we must move ahead with an attitude of give and take. Before the wedding we had a lot of freedom to make our own choices and do what we liked. But when we are married, do remember that we have given up a large part of that independence and chosen the way of interdependence. When we talk things over, remember also that our ultimate goal is not about getting our own way, but becoming one with each other. So when we talk, we have to do it without crossing our own limit of stress tolerance or endurance. We can take time-outs, think over things in our own mind and then come together again to continue the discussion. A warning to husbands – just because you are the head of the family, do not become a dictator; listen to your wife to understand what she has to say, because God has given her to you to help you receive what you lack in yourself.

Some people can become a little naive here in thinking that every disagreement must be settled and husband and wife must come to agreement on everything. That is naive because it does not take into consideration our imperfect condition because of our fallen nature. Some other people insist on settling all matters before going to sleep at night, misquoting Eph.4:26. Certainly this is a good thing to aim for, but this verse, taken in a practical way, only means that we should settle issues as soon as possible, and not literally about the time of the day. But why it is not practical to resolve all issues immediately is because some issues can be really complicated. They may need a lot of time to really understand each other, all the background behind each one's position, etc. On the other hand, there can be many trivial differences for which precious time need not be wasted. For example, which dress to wear for an occasion, whether we must have coffee or tea, etc., are examples of such triviality, where it does not really need to bring a division between husband and wife. Each one can have the freedom to make such small decisions, can't they?

I would like to make a point about online and offline management of conflicts. By online management, I mean what we have to do while we are talking to each other trying deal with an issue. At that time we have to be very careful about what we say and do, and how we do it. One of things we have mentioned earlier is to make sure that we don't cross our limit of endurance and end up saying or doing things which we will regret afterwards. It is here that many anger management techniques become useful. For example, counting from one to ten in our mind or taking deep breaths will prevent us from bursting out with what we feel like saying. This will also give us a little time to cool down! Offline management is different. This happens when we are alone, and we have the opportunity to go over in our mind what happened, what mistakes we made, what we should have done, what we have understood about the other person, etc. Then when we rejoin the discussion after the time-out, we have better resources to use.

While a conflict is going on, we may be tempted to share our stories with others, especially our parental family members, trying to get support for our position, like political parties do. But do check why you want to do this. Is it to get confirmation that you are right and your spouse is wrong? If you go to your family members, you are likely to get that kind of support. But shouldn't your real goal be to find out what is best for both of you? Then why don't you both take more time to pray and talk things over? Of course, there will be things where you don't have the knowledge or experience to resolve the issue between the two of you. Then it is wise to go to a counsellor who will not take sides with either of you. One important thing to avoid is to rope in one of your children to your side to stand together against your spouse. This will never go well. You are already against your spouse, and now you are turning a young child's mind against one of the parents!

Tips on conflict management
When either of you feels that a certain issue needs to be raised with the other, remember, you have the ability to choose the best time for it. Certainly you don't want to start talking about it when your spouse is busy, tired or in a bad mood! You don't want to start a fight! The people in the world are clever about it when they want to go and talk to their boss about a raise! If you are the one to start a discussion, you have a chance to plan it in the best manner possible. Even if you are the one who has to respond to your spouse, you don't have to blurt out the first thing that came into your mind! Before you start a discussion, you have the opportunity to pray and bring up the matter before your heavenly Father and seek His grace and wisdom. Even when you are in the midst of a discussion, you can mentally shoot up a prayer to God, when you realise you need wisdom. Lastly, don't assume that just because something is very clear to you and you have spoken it to your spouse that your spouse must be clear about it. Remember you two come from different backgrounds. Be prepared to make your ideas as clear as possible.

Some wrong ways
Some people say that by themselves they are quite happy, but it is when they have to deal with other people that problems start! It sometimes requires a lot of effort and patience to deal with conflicts. So now and then we may be tempted to ignore them or avoid dealing with them, with the hope that they will somehow go away! But that cannot happen. Also, in a relationship such as marriage, we cannot afford to move forward with unresolved issues blocking our progress.

Some other people decide to withdraw mentally from the other person, minimising their contact and words. They imagine that in this way they can at least avoid further problems. But the fact is that further problems cannot be avoided. When they come, those parts of the relationship that are hurt will cause more pain. Finally it can lead to a breaking point for the relationship. Both people must remember the vows they have made towards each other for a lifelong commitment as long as life lasted, and put in all the efforts they can in order to get over the challenges that come along the way.

Another way some people try to deal with marital difficulties is to try and overpower their spouse by teaching them a lesson or showing them what they can do. We should not forget that this is a marriage that we are looking at. Can we think that this type of harsh measures is going to give us a happy relationship? Every such thing is only going to be one more step towards break-up.

'Time will heal' is a kind of blind optimism that some people use in order to escape from reality. This phrase is applicable when misunderstandings have been cleared up by each other and they now hope for the pain of the memory of what happened to disappear slowly. Then time will heal. But to do nothing and expect that things will sort themselves out by themselves is not realistic. Things left to themselves have only a tendency to head towards chaos.

Managing finances
Many people do not seem to understand that relationships are more valuable than money. That is why a man chooses to marry a girl who offers him a bigger dowry than another, without even thinking about the relationship he is going to have through marriage. Many fights occur about money within a marriage. We cannot possibly address every situation that can cause such fights, but we can look at some principles.

'My money' vs. 'our money'
Before we get married, we are two independent individuals. We have the ability to spend our money the way we want. If we started earning long before we get married, we have formed a pattern of how we spend money, and developed a feeling of 'our right' in being able to do what we liked. It was 'my' money, or the money that 'I have earned by my own work', etc. Now when you get married, your mind has to accept a new idea that it is no longer 'my money', but 'our money'. Now you cannot spend even a small amount of money without thinking it belongs to the spouse too. Now you cannot make your own decisions to spend the money which you have earned, without the knowledge (and permission!) of the spouse also. This new value system must enter and sink into your mind, because this will be fundamental in building your relationship of marriage that will produce oneness.

Some people have questions about how this is to be worked out. Should you both have a joint bank account into which all the income will come? That is one way to get over the idea of 'my money' and start thinking of 'our money'. But sometimes this may not be practical, for example, in the cases of two people whose salaries are credited into different accounts. What is important is not the particular arrangement you make between yourselves, which will depend on the particular situations, but the spirit of managing money as a common asset. If both of you recognise the joint responsibility of managing money, as well the need to provide each one their need for individual space, you will find out how to make all the necessary adjustments. It is necessary to be transparent with each other about how the money is being spent to avoid complaints or suspicions. Since you are coming from a background where you have acquired a certain attitude towards money as an individual, you will find that after you start living together, there is much need to make adjustments and to find common strategies. Please remember that this will take time, and not to be impatient with each other or to insist on your own ways.

One practical thing that can help you in this process of learning to manage the family finances, as you both switch from your individual styles, is to start a habit of keeping account of every expenditure that either of you makes, even in small amounts. You can note down the expenditure in a notebook or a computerised worksheet, as soon as it is made. Then at the end of the month you can sit down together and place the items into groups, such as food, rent, clothes, transport, cosmetics, electricity/water bills, purchases such as crockery and furniture, gifts, etc. Then you will both get the idea where the money has gone, and also the opportunity to plan for the future, regarding if you need to cut down somewhere, increase somewhere else, etc. You may wish to do this for several months till you both are satisfied with the way things are going, or continue with the arrangement. One of you may have better skills at keeping books like this, and that makes it obvious who can do that without it becoming a burden for the other.

There is a mental distinction you can make between what are major expenses and what are minor. It is important, since now it is 'our' money and not merely his or hers, that all decisions for major expenditure should be made together. 'Major' has to understood in this context not just to refer to large amounts of money, but also to items in the home that affect everyone, such as furniture, the choice of colour for painting the wall, etc. At the same time, this rule need not be legalistically applied even to minor expenses like a cup of coffee, or a particular item of grocery!

Sometimes it happens that one person is helping his or her parents 'secretly' without informing the other, due to fear of objection from the other. But think of the consequences when the other person finally finds out! Isn't better to make these decisions jointly, knowing that there are parents on both sides?

One thing many young people do, because they are young and newly married, is to explore new things, new places, new food, etc., without remembering to put away some money as savings for the future. There are things they have to plan for such as delivery charges for babies, their clothes, toys, schooling, college, etc., which can be anticipated, as well as things that can happen unexpectedly, such as sicknesses, accidents, loss of job, etc. We may not be able to plan for everything, but isn't it necessary to put away some money as savings for the future? This is so important that it is worth trimming down some expenditure now in order to have funds available for the future.

As more and more things become available on payment through instalments, what we must not forget is that the interest on the item will be almost equal to the price of the item itself, so that people end up paying double the cost in the end. Isn't it better if you can save up enough money and then buy things straight? On the other hand, there are some things like buying a house with a loan where the appreciation in value of the house may more than compensate for the interest to be paid. Also, in case you are unable to pay back the loan, there is a possibility of selling the house and returning the amount without remaining in debt. Getting into debt is a terrible thing which can pull you further and further down as time goes on. That is also the danger in using credit cards. Some people imagine that by the time the payment becomes due, they will somehow get that money. But when that does not happen, they are forced to borrow from another credit card till finally some people get buried in debt. Credit cards can be useful as a utility, if only we know how much money we actually have to spend, and then limit our spending to that.

Spouse and children
When you get married, you are choosing one person to be more precious to you than everyone else in the world. We talked already about dealing with the conflict that can come between the parents and the spouse. Another big possibility comes when children arrive, tempting the parents to become more devoted to the children than to each other! God gets the top priority in our life, and then comes the spouse. Children must come only after that. At times when there has been a misunderstanding or quarrel between both of you, the temptation may be there to cling on to one or more of the children or draw them into a triangle. But remember, one day the children will get married and leave you, and it is you both who have to stay together!

In spite of the warnings from the biblical examples of Esau and Jacob, and Joseph and his brothers, parents are still tempted to show favouritism among their children giving various reasons. Please avoid that, because such divisions can continue through the generations.

This is something you can discuss and agree on before the children come, how you are going to discipline them, and what each one of you is going to do. It usually happens that one of the parents tends to be very strict on how the children should behave, and the other very lenient! When the time for discipline comes, they enter into an argument in front of the children, with one saying they should be simply let go and the other saying they have to be a taught a strict lesson. Not only does this confuse the discipline that children get, but also the children get the example of parents fighting with each other. Very soon you will find the children choosing one parent when they want one thing, and the other parent when they want another thing! No. Discuss with each other how the children should be trained, and what the role of each one will be.

Something that commonly happens after children come and start growing up is that things become very busy at home, with the parents having to deal with their own work responsibilities and also sharing the responsibilities for the children. What usually happens then is that both of them are not able to find time with each other any more, which is necessary to renew their love for each other, discuss and plan many things for the home and the children and also sort out the irritants that have developed between them. You have to find this time, even if it means making arrangements for the children when you can go together for your special times. Neglecting this can prove to be very costly.

Parenting
"Train up a child in the way he should go, Even when he is old he will not depart from it" (Prov.22:6). The people in the world are saying that children should be left alone and allowed to develop their own personalities, and parents should not impose their views on them. This is utter rubbish! If we have come to know the truth, it is our responsibility to pass it on to our children (Deut.4:10). Just think of leaving them to themselves and allowing them to absorb all the muck that is in the world and getting confused not knowing the way.

Parenting children is not just about feeding, clothing and educating them, but instilling the true values of life in them. Even when you seek to do that, it is not enough just to make them memorise some verses or sing some songs, or even to send them regularly to Sunday School and church. Parents have to personally teach them, share the Gospel with them, lead them to Christ and back this all up with their own personal example of dedication and loyalty to God. What the children see in their parents as examples is more valuable than all the words and commandments you can give them.

Stages in marriage
Every marriage passes through different stages. When you have become comfortable in one stage, suddenly a transition happens and takes you to the next stage. Usually, people get into a panic because they never expected this change and were not prepared for it. What I would like to do is to briefly introduce to you the different stages so that whichever stage you are in, you can be mentally prepared for the change that is to come.

Courtship
This is the period where you have met each other for the first time, and you are getting to know each other. You will both be putting on your best front, in order to impress the other and to win them. You are very courteous, polite, kind, listening eagerly to the other, forgiving, overlooking, etc., and it is difficult not to be impressed. You probably think that you have never met such a nice person before and that you are lucky to find them out of all the people in the world. You can enjoy this time, but what you must know is that this is just a show put up by the other and the real person will begin to be seen only after the wedding! Otherwise what can happen is that when the real person begins to be seen, you might even wonder if this was the person you knew earlier.

Wedding
Many people have been looking forward to their wedding day for years and making preparations. This is a very romantic day when you are dressed up in fancy clothes, looking your very best, the attention of everyone around, and you don't realise how time goes. You are dreamy when you exchange vows with each other and pose for photographs. You meet a lot of people that day and greet a lot of strangers, and after everyone has eaten and gone, you realise how tired you are and you have not had a chance to eat yourself.

Honeymoon
Honeymoon is usually a holiday taken by the couple after the wedding in order to enjoy each other's company, usually in an exotic place. In our context, it also refers more broadly to the period after their wedding during which the couple is extremely happy with each other in a dreamy and romantic way. This is also the time when the couple enjoys exploring their sexual relationship with each other.

Honeymoon is over!
Sadly, the dreamy period of honeymoon does not last forever as the newly married couple would like to hope! When some couples hear this during premarital counselling, they think that it is not going to happen to them! But the honeymoon gets over with the first serious disagreement. Suddenly a mixture of shock, astonishment, confusion, disappointment and despair hits them. But this is the transition from their dreamy world to the real world. Now they have to start learning how to apply all the knowledge they had received in premarital counselling in real life.

Alone together
This is the period when they are both together without anyone else to interfere with them. The assumption is that they are staying together apart from the parents, or that they have sorted out how to avoid interference from them. Babies have not come into the family yet. This is the time when they can begin to know each other as they really are in practical life, as they handle the daily chores of life such as going to work, cooking, cleaning, washing, buying things for their home, etc. They have plenty of opportunity to plan and do things together, and have a lot of talk and discussion about life with each other. This is the ideal time to get used to the differences they see in each other and to make the necessary accommodations.

First child
This is actually a huge transition for the couple. The husband cannot fully understand what his wife had to go through for the delivery or how exhausted she is now. He may also wonder why all her attention has shifted to the baby and why she is neglecting him or what he is going through now with the sleep disturbances and tiredness, leading to lack of performance at work. The wife may be thinking that her husband is only thinking of himself and he wants her to serve him without realising what she has gone through. These things can cause misunderstandings between them. Actually the husband should be aware that about 20% of women go through postpartum depression that can come because of the sudden hormone changes after delivery. Affected mothers have been known to kill their babies or themselves in extreme cases. Therefore, if the husband notices any symptoms in this direction, he should get medical attention for his wife, and also ensure that she has someone with her at all times. If the couple has not been prepared for this stage, this can be such a bad and sudden disturbance to their normal life. Couples have been known to go for divorce at this time!

Child going to school
When the child starts going to school, it is a great change for the mother who was used to having the child always with her, and she may be filled with anxiety about the safety of the child, his new environment, etc. She may also sense some emptiness in herself with the sudden absence of the child and also feel a loss of control over him. The husband can be of help to her if only he was aware of these things. Another thing that happens is that teachers at school may make comments about the child and the parents start overprotecting the child. Other people start making comments about the way the parents are spoiling the child or being hard on him. This is a new phase of life, and the couple has to learn how to reconcile with it.

Teenage children
When the children enter into the teenage years, it will be a difficult time both for them and the parents. Physical and hormonal changes are beginning to take place in the children, they are beginning to think for themselves and question everything around them. This is just a part of their transition from being children to adults. But parents sometimes think that the children are rebelling, and become extra hard on them without understanding them. The teenagers think their parents do not listen to them or understand them. But the parents think that their children do not acknowledge their authority or experience. Actually, the parents have to change their attitude towards their teenagers. They are not to be treated like children who do not know anything and who must simply do what they are told without question. But the parents must slowly transition towards treating them as adults, as those who can think for themselves and have their own opinions.

Children leaving home
Some children may leave home and go to other places for higher studies or work. This can be very distressing for parents, especially the mothers. The parents try to insist on the children keeping in touch frequently, and reporting to them about all that happens. But now these grown up children are getting into their own lives and routines and may be too busy to have the kind of time they used to have for their parents. Some children also find this separation very difficult to adjust to. But this is one of those changes that have to happen in the families as time goes on.

Becoming in-laws
When children get married, the parents must realise that they are no longer 'children' who have to obey their parents. They must encourage the newly married couples to 'leave father and mother, cling to each other and become one'. The children, on the other hand, have to learn to stand on their own feet and move away from their dependence on their parents, while at the same time honouring their parents and valuing their experience. As the parents welcome the spouses of their children, they need to remember how to help them to feel welcome and as a part of the larger family. How nice it would be if these newcomers did not not experience a differentiation between the parents' own children and them.

Becoming grandparents
When you become grandparents, please remember that you are not the parents of the grandchildren and that as such you do not have parental authority to discipline them. When the parents' exercise discipline over their children, you cannot contend with them in front of the children and make the children disregard the authority of the parents. On the other side, you cannot do any good to the children by indulging their wishes, even against the wishes of the parents. Your role assumes an advisory capacity, standing by with the parents if they want.

Death of parents
You know that your parents are not going to be there forever, and so it will be good if both of you can discuss together in advance what responsibility you should take, along with your siblings, in case one of your parents passes away. Should you take the remaining parent to stay with you, or do you have to think of other arrangements such as an old people's home or nursing care? In some cases, the old parents may become a very disruptive force in your family and then you may be forced to provide for them at a distance! These may be some of the decisions you may have to take, and it will be good if both of you can make them together.

Death of a spouse
This has to happen, and it is a matter of which of you will go first. When this time approaches, would it not be better if you have considered this possibility and made necessary arrangements? Making provisions for the spouse even after your death, and staying without your spouse around can both be planned for.

Looking at the stages to come later on and mentally and physically making preparations for them can make things easier in life. When you are at one stage and you know what the next stage is going to be, it will help you to accept that possibility and avoid facing those changes in an unexpected manner.

Working wives
When you think of it, you can understand that wives and mothers have enough on their hands when they try to take care of their husbands and children, and manage the running of homes. They are a very important pillar in supporting the family and the home. But sometimes it becomes unavoidable for them to take the additional responsibility of managing a work outside the home for the sake of earning enough for the family and supporting their husbands. In the recent history, after the end of the Second World War, when millions of men had died in the war, many wives were forced to seek employment outside the home. But this later became a trend, even when their husbands earned enough for the family. The influence of the women's liberation movement also drove women to show their worth by going for studies and landing good positions at work.

The result was that many women joined the work force, and it gave them a sense of value in relation to men, and caused their voices to be heard in their homes by their husbands. But this came with a hidden cost. While the women had to carry out a full day work outside the home, they still had to take care of children and run the homes. Obviously, this placed on them heavy stress for which they were not designed. This showed up in lack of sufficient time for the family, and family relationships began to get affected. Those families where the husbands realise the stress through which their wives are going, and lend themselves to carrying out a part of her work at home, such as cooking, washing, minding the children, etc., manage to keep their sense of sanity, while other families began to get affected badly in many ways, especially in terms of relationships. Homes with working mothers must make extra plans for compensating for the stress. Husbands must make time for their wives, listening to them, discussing the family matters with them, giving them breaks, and taking off some burden from their shoulders.

Marriage killers
We cannot take our marriage for granted. Think of the love bank and what happens if you keep withdrawing from your account in your spouse's heart? Love can grow cold, and it can finally turn even into hatred. Let us look at some of the common things people do that can make large withdrawals.

You may withdraw from spending much time talking with your spouse. Perhaps you have had a misunderstanding, perhaps you have become too occupied with other things, perhaps you are taking him or her for granted. But the more you keep away from sharing things together, discussing issues that come up, planning for the future, etc., you may not realise the fire in your marriage is beginning to go out.

Keeping away from sexual relationship is an indication that things are not going well in your marriage. Remember, it is the most intimate way in which you can show your love for your spouse, and without that love being received regularly, the marriage is likely to wither.

If you are trying to avoid having to deal with conflicts, by imagining that they will just go away, or that addressing them will cause more conflicts, please remember that unresolved conflicts will be like wounds that fester and become worse and worse. If you are finding it difficult to deal with your conflicts, please talk to a counsellor.

If you find your spouse constantly telling you that you are thinking only of yourself, probably it is true! If that is really happening, you have grown cold in your love. It is possible that marriages which began with love may revert to selfishness. Watch out.

The older you become, the more difficult it becomes to change. But if you are losing your willingness to make adjustments in order to accommodate your spouse, you are becoming cold in your love.

Sometimes people communicate their dissatisfaction with their spouses in the form of humour in front of visitors or friends. Everyone seems to be having great fun with that humour, but don't forget that the person who is at the point of that humour feels it as a dagger in the back.

Don't ever compare your spouse with another in public and ask them why they cannot be like those others. This is a major insult. Recognise that everyone has strengths and weaknesses, and the other person you are referring to has his or her own issues that you may not know. The one you are actually married to is whom you have, and now you have to live with that person.

Some people think that what goes on in their mind is harmless. So, when they have difficulties in marriage they imagine how much different things could have been if only they had married this other person. This kind of daydreaming is being unfaithful to your spouse in secret. Beware, God is aware of what is going on, and if your mind is filled with such thoughts, sooner or later they may take action too.

Forgiving each other
A part of the effects of the sinful nature we all have inherited from Adam and Eve is that we tend to see the faults in others quickly while we are blind to our own. Even when we are forced to admit our faults we tend to justify them because of the circumstances or blame them on someone else. But the fact of marriage is that it is a union of two very imperfect people living together. Every now and then, some fault in the other person hits us on our face. But what we forget is that the same thing is being experienced by the other person! We have to accept the fact that we are not going to be able to become perfect and without fault in this life, and that we are going to have to live with our imperfect spouse for the rest of our life!

Forgiving each other is the answer. "So, as those who have been chosen of God, holy and beloved, put on a heart of compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness and patience; bearing with one another, and forgiving each other, whoever has a complaint against anyone; just as the Lord forgave you, so also should you" (Col.3:12,13). How the Lord helps us to forgive others is by reminding us about how He has forgiven us. If we think our spouse does not deserve to be forgiven, just pause and think about whether we deserve forgiveness from God. Aim for forgiving them as soon as we notice their fault. If we keep the matter aside till our emotions cool down, it may not happen, and it may actually become worse. This verse also talks of bearing with others, meaning that there are some natural flaws that the other person has, as do we, that we have to constantly face, and what we need there is patience.

Some people make the mistake of assuming that when their feelings cool down, only then they can forgive. In other words, the way they feel about the hurt they have suffered makes it difficult to forgive them. But we can choose to forgive them in our mind. Then every time the memory of what they have done comes up, we can remind ourselves that we have already forgiven them and that we are not going to waste any more time like a cow chewing over the cud. Then we can see that our feelings also cool down.

We must not imagine that, without actually forgiving someone their sins against us, if we just suppress the thought in our mind, our feelings will change. No. What will happen is that some other time when you least expect it, these feelings will come out in an outburst. Suppression will be like having a wound that is dirty which we just cover up with a bandage. It will only become worse and worse. First, we must clean up the wound from the dirt, apply a germicide, and then bandage it.

Prayer
Some Christians use prayer as a means of transferring their responsibility to God in a way that looks very spiritual. They say they cannot handle things and say they are casting their burdens on the Lord. But then do they imagine that God will take care of everything and do the things they ought to do, such as apologising to the other, talking things over, seeking counsel, changing their own attitudes and behaviour, etc.?

Even though some people misuse it, prayer is an absolute necessity in the life of a Christian. When we are asked to do things in our Christian life which we are naturally unable to do, prayer is an expression of our helplessness and also our faith in God. Those who imagine they can handle things by themselves do not pray, and also those who do not believe God can do anything.

Many people are praying fervently for God to change their spouse because they see their spouse as the root of the problem. But they too are a part of the problem. Those who recognise this pray much for their own salvation, and for wisdom and grace in relating to their spouse.

God knows what He is doing, and He knows how best He should do it. From our point of view we may feel like giving up, but remember, God has to teach us many lessons before He gives the final answer. Hold on without giving up.

Special issues
In a marriage, sometimes the problem is due to an individual's wrong attitude or behaviour, such as the ones shown here. It is best if such things are taken up through individual counselling.

Conclusion
Marriage is God's gift to us, and we can enjoy it to the maximum if we follow His rules and guidelines. As you go into this new phase of your life, may you keep learning from Him and obeying Him, and may He be with you to bless you and to make you a blessing to each other, your children and everyone else around you.