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Dating for marriage

by Jacob Ninan

Many times these days, broken marriages result from marrying the wrong person. Sometimes these decisions are done in a hurry, under pressure or with insufficient information about the one they are planning to marry. Marriage, as things are now, presents a lot of challenges, and it is easy to see that deciding who to marry is crucial. In this session, I plan to address some of the common mistakes people make in this area, with the hope that these mistakes can be avoided and that many people will find help here to guide them safely through this all important part of their life.

Why marry?
If we are not clear about the proper goal to set for our marriage, we will also not be clear about what to look for in the person we are thinking of getting married to! Imagine a man who gets married looking at who can give him the maximum dowry. After he gets that money, does he have any further affection for the girl he got married to? Think of a girl who falls for a man's money and position, and then gets into a lifetime of abuse or neglect which she had not expected. There are many other examples of how people get married for the wrong reasons and end up in trouble. If only we know what the real reason is for getting married, that will help us in choosing the right person to marry!

- See how God created Adam and Eve
The way God did this is very significant. He created Adam first and gave him the freedom to eat what he liked, play with animals, birds and fish, etc. But at the end of the day, Adam was lonely because he could not find anyone 'suitable for him'. He could play with dogs, for example, but he could not share his hopes, challenges, disappointments, etc., with the dog or plan together with it what to do at different times!

- Companionship is what we get in marriage
In marriage we can have a lifelong and close companion unlike any other kind of friendship or relationship. So, this is what we should aim for when we think of getting married, and this is the goal we should keep in mind when we consider particular people for marriage.

- A lifelong companion to share life with, enjoy God’s blessings, face challenges, bring up children
A trustworthy confidante, one who knows us more than anyone else, one who loves us in spite of all our lacks, one who we know will stick with us through thick and thin, one to lean on in times of trouble, one who encourages us when we are feeling down, one with whom we can share the joys and challenges of bringing up children – this is what a well-managed marriage can provide us. When you are considering someone for marriage, these are things that you can weigh their potential for.

- The most intimate relationship among people
God's plan for marriage is that the husband and wife can become 'one'. Two individuals becoming so close with each other that their unity of mind and heart becomes their strength and their joy is possible only in marriage. This unity and the resulting knowledge that we can be open with each other and that we will be able to understand each other, give us stability in life and great confidence in the midst of the different challenges of life. It is obvious that very few marriages actually reach this level, and then it also becomes obvious that if we want to enjoy this kind of a relationship we must choose well and also work towards that goal.

- To have one who knows us the closest, and who will stand with us through the ups and downs of life
Everyone learns to keep some safe distance when they interact with others. But when we live together year after year, get to know each other in hundreds of real life situations, and enjoy loving each other and being loved, we will value this relationship more than any other. Even as we talk about this, it appears to be Utopian and practically unreachable because we have come across many who have experienced failures here. But that drives home the point that all the more it becomes important to be mindful about who we choose to marry.

- With whom we can fulfill the plan of God for us
God has a plan not only for individuals but also as families. That is another reason why we should not be unequally yoked in marriage, with each one virtually living for themselves. When we marry like-minded ones, our spiritual potential together becomes more than doubled. "Again I say to you, that if two of you agree on earth about anything that they may ask, it shall be done for them by My Father who is in heaven" (Matt.18:19). If two people are disunited in their vision for life, living together in marriage can become very frustrating and miserable.

A crucial decision

- A lifelong, exclusive, unconditional commitment
Many people these days seem to assume when they get married that they must be prepared for a divorce if it happens. Some even prepare prenuptial agreements before the wedding so that they can minimise their hassle if it comes to a divorce. Being mentally prepared for a possible divorce is a significant contributor to divorce. When challenges come up the couple gives in to the idea of divorce without fighting for their marriage. Every marriage faces problems and challenges. If we are committed from the beginning for a lifelong marriage, it is then that we will do everything possible to sort out issues and get back to a loving relationship. When Christians get married, one of the vows they make to each other is that they intend this marriage to last till death.

The second vow we make with each other in marriage is that this relationship is going to be exclusive between the two of us. We will fight to keep it that way and make sure that no other person is allowed to come between us or to become more important to us than our spouse. Think of the confidence we will give to each other when both of us give this promise to each other.

None of us knows what lies in the future, and what we promise each other in marriage is that we will continue to love, be loyal and faithful to each other, and support each other no matter what all unexpected situations we face in life. We must not even get into marriage without giving and receiving this assurance between us.

- "Marry in haste, repent at leisure"
This is a quaint piece of wisdom that warns us that we must enter into a marriage relationship only after serious considerations. Unfortunately, many people are so eager to get married because of several types of pressure on them, and then they get married in a hurry. Getting married is not like trying out a job with the idea that if it doesn't work out we can quit and get another job. If someone gets married in a hurry, and then realises their mistake, now they will have to face the consequences for the rest of their life. The importance of making our utmost effort to make sure that our decision is in alignment with God cannot be overstated.

- Not open for trial or experimentation
Many young people seem to be getting the idea that they should try out relationships with different people and then choose the right one. But trials like this accumulate hurts when people move on. Some people even go to the extend of experimenting with a virtual marriage relationship, living together for a period, etc. People of the world, who are not concerned about what is pleasing to God, start different trends in this world, and unfortunately many Christian young people imitate them without thinking too much. But marriage is not a casual relationship but a lifelong, exclusive relationship. Those who indulge in flirting around or going from relationship to relationship do not realise that apart from displeasing God, they are creating baggage for themselves which will affect the rest of their life.

- Decision to be taken through much prayer, thought and discussion
Knowing the limitations of our knowledge, understanding and wisdom, we must get hold of God for our protection and guidance. It adds to our safety by consulting with parents and other experienced and mature people.

If you apply for a job
There is something we can learn from the example of applying for a job, which is very much applicable in the area of finding the person we want to marry.

There is a process
A company first invites applications for the job. Let us say there are five vacancies, and the company receives 1000 applications. Then they screen these applications to find out which of them meet the requirements, through the process called screening. Here they look at things such as educational qualifications, experience, general interests, hobbies, etc., and let us say, they narrow the choice down to 20 people. These people are then called for an interview where they try to verify what the candidates have claimed in their applications, and they look at other things such as the ability to communicate well, get along with people, face challenges, etc. It is only after all this that 5 people get selected for the job.

The process of selection for marriage
Some people follow the practice of parents selecting the persons for their children to marry, and others choose for themselves. What parents generally do is 'screening' of possible candidates and selecting one who they think is suitable for their son or daughter. What the young people are usually unhappy about this process is that they do not get a chance or sufficient opportunity to 'interview' the candidate for themselves. As a reaction to this, young people resort to directly jumping into the interview process. The drawback here is that many times a proper screening has not been done, and it is only after the wedding that many things about the person begin to be known.

A comparison

- Parental choice
It turns out usually when parents make the choice that a good amount of screening gets done and many candidates are eliminated even before it comes to the notice of the young people. This is good for avoiding unnecessary emotional involvement and pain for the young people. Since the parents usually have a lot more experience with this world than their children, this screening tends to consider factors that would not have even occurred to the young people. At the same time what sometimes gets missed is a proper interview process by the young people. Also, the young people may think that many of their parents' considerations are not applicable to the modern times. But it is good for the young people to remember that the screening by their parents can possibly save them from endless misery.

- The young person's choice
Many times what happens is that as a reaction to the strict conditions and restrictions imposed by their parents, young people look for independence in their decision making process. As a result, they tend to keep their relationships and dating away from the knowledge of the parents. In seeking to make their own decision about marriage, they many times skip the screening process and get straightaway into 'interview'. Something about another person whom they meet at work, church, party, etc., attracts them and they soon get into dating. They do not realise that the way they feel at this time about the other person is not a reliable measure of their suitability for marriage and that there are many more things to be considered before a decision can be made. They do not have enough experience in life to know which red flags to look out for and which criteria are to be met for a positive decision.

Points to remember
These are some points that may be of help to the parents and the young people in this context.

- Parents to note that it is about the young person’s life and that finally it should be his/her decision
Though good parents generally know much more about what is good and bad for their children because they have been in this world longer and have come across many different situations, what the parents tend to forget is that it is the children who have to live with the marriage even after the parents are gone. Therefore the children must have the bigger say about who they marry, and it is the children who must be finally responsible for the decision they take. This decision must not be forced on the children by the parents.

- Young persons to note that the parents act from love and concern
Unfortunately many young people have come to conclude that their parents do not love them, and that they are out there to restrict their fun. But the reason why these parents want to guide their children in the choice of their marriage partner is because they want the best for their children and they don't want their children to get into trouble as they have seen many others do. If only the young people can recognise this, they will be willing to pay attention to what their parents are telling them.

- Parents and young persons to work together
The ideal situation is both sides working together, paying attention to each other's views, willing to look at things differently rather than what they are used to, and being convinced that both want the best for the young persons.

- Screening and interview are both necessary
Parents and young people must recognise the value of both screening and interviewing, and understand that both are necessary and helpful.

For parents and young people

- Young people, developing secret relationships is dangerous
With the desire to do things independently and for fear that the parents will object, young people usually keep their new relationships secret from the parents. This will prevent the parents from helping them with screening before dating starts, and from giving them guidelines for the dating itself. Many people get deep into relationships and serious problems in this way which should never have started at all. So be wise and get into an open discussion with the parents all through the process.

- Parents to start discussing these matters with children as they enter teenage
Many children have no understanding about the subject of screening and dating for marriage, when they find that their friends have boy friends and girl friends. When they plunge into it themselves they have little knowledge about gender guidelines and how they ought to be careful. Parents have to anticipate this and start discussions with their teenagers even before they face such situations.

- Share views and listen to each other
One common situation that develops when children get into teenage is that the parents continue to treat them like 'children' and the children distance themselves from their parents who seem not to understand them or give them any freedom. This has a tendency to promote children seeking their relationships and keeping the parents in the dark about them. If this has already developed, both sides need to see the danger and change their attitude towards each other.

- Screening and interview with mutual consultation
If both sides are clear that their ultimate goal in this context is to do the right thing for the children and to protect them from mistakes, they should develop more openness with each other.

"Children, obey your parents in the Lord, for this is right" (Eph.6:1)
This is a verse which is commonly misused by parents to justify their position and to compel the children to obey them. But parents must realise that this is for 'children'. When children grow up and become adults, this does not apply to them! Teenagers are, strictly speaking, not children any more, but at the same time, they are not yet adults either. They are in a transition from childhood to adulthood. They are beginning to ask questions, and looking for reasonable answers. It won't help if parents simply insist that they should obey. It is a challenging situation for both the parents and the teenagers. But if you want to prevent a generation gap from developing, both sides must learn to keep a dialogue going between them.

Guidelines for screening
The aim of screening is to eliminate unsuitable candidates and to narrow down the list of possible candidates. There are many obvious factors that can contribute to problems in marriage, and it is necessary that when we come across such, that should raise a red flag to warn us. There are other factors that can give better chances for a happy marriage, and those are the ones we should be watching for.

- "Do not be unequally yoked with unbelievers. For what partnership has righteousness with lawlessness? Or what fellowship has light with darkness?” (2Cor.6:14).
This is a clear warning from God for born again Christians to avoid getting married to people who have no relationship with God. These two ways are opposite to each other as light is from darkness. Even if young people cannot understand the seriousness of this warning, you must take it as a serious warning from God to prevent you from getting into a life of misery. Instead of becoming more and more one, as we saw in the beginning, these paths will separate and move away from each other as time goes on.

- Trust that God is trying to protect you from a miserable future.
God reveals His heart to us with His promise to His people who were in exile, saying that even there His plans for them were for their welfare. "'For I know the plans that I have for you,' declares the LORD, 'plans for welfare and not for calamity to give you a future and a hope'" (Jer.29:11). We must trust Him by believing that when He tells us not to do something, it is because He wants to protect us from the misery we will get into if we disregarded His warnings, and also that when He asks us to do something, it is because that will bring us a blessing.

- What appears to be an attractive match now can turn out to be hard to handle afterwards
Young people who fall in love with someone and overlook the screening process and warnings from God and people do that with an optimism that comes from a seck of experience with life. They feel confident that the one they love is the best person in the world for them, even when parents and other well-wishers are warning them with tears that there are some serious red flags!

- Unequally yoked, with unbelievers
The implication here is that we should not be unequally yoked together in marriage. A believer marrying an unbeliever is the most serious mismatch, but we must not miss the point that there can be many other types of mismatches too.

Believers with unbelievers
By 'believers' it refers here to those who have begun to experience salvation from Jesus through being born again. Being born again is a supernatural work God does in the heart of people who turn to Him, repenting of their sins and recognising the death of Jesus as the only means for their salvation. "Moreover, I will give you a new heart and put a new spirit within you; and I will remove the heart of stone from your flesh and give you a heart of flesh. I will put My Spirit within you and cause you to walk in My statutes, and you will be careful to observe My ordinances" (Ezek.36:26,27). We can see that this is not the same as people merely considering themselves as Christians for various reasons. If such a born again person gets married to someone who has not begun to experience this salvation, we must understand that there will be a huge difference between them in their outlook on life, their values, goal, direction, choices, etc. This will become more and more evident the more they live together. God warns us against that.

- All religions are not about the same God
It may appear to those who look at different religions superficially that if we overlook some details, all of them are telling us to do good and to avoid evil. This is far from the truth! When we study these religions in detail we can see that the gods they describe are very different in their nature, character and the way of salvation they provide! Those who decide to marry someone from a different religion may agree in the beginning that they will keep their religious differences aside. But as time goes on, it becomes clear that their way of life itself is different, and clashes come up at different levels. Christians who want to marry a person from another religion may even assert that this person is actually far better than some of the Christians they know! Maybe, at the superficial level. But those who have experienced the new birth will know the difference. Young people who are thinking of marriage must not fall into this trap.

- All 'Christians' are not 'believers'
People who merely have a Christian name, those who have been born in a Christian family, those who have become Christians from another religion – all of them consider themselves to be Christians. So, many times people decide to marry other 'Christians'. Some may say this person is the son of the pastor, that one is the worship leader, this one has been in the church for many years, etc. But please remember, only those who have been born again are truly Christians.

- A matter of conscience
When a person is born again, one mark of the change is that his conscience becomes more sensitive to sin and what is pleasing to God. For example, he may have lied left and right earlier, but now he becomes increasingly aware about being truthful. Imagine such a person living in marriage with another person who has no such conscience!

- A matter of direction and destination
A goal that drives a true Christian is that he wants to be pleasing to God in every part of his life, and he wants to be with the Lord in eternity. Other people live to enjoy themselves, make money, become powerful and famous, etc. Can these two have a happy marriage together?

- For those who take their faith lightly, this may not be an important issue
When a Christian decides to marry an unbeliever, what it shows is that he or she is not serious about their faith. Faith is not an important part of their life.

Unequal yoking
The mistake many young people make is to assume that if they marry a Christian, everything is fine. As we have seen already, getting married to another Christian is a most important part of being equally yoked, but there are other things that can still make a marriage unequal. Major differences in personality, intelligence, education, language, financial background, parental upbringing, baggage from the past, culture, hidden sicknesses, mental disorders, etc., can cause a lot of practical difficulties in the married life.

Looking for total compatibility is unrealistic, and it becomes just an excuse people make in order to go for divorce. Husbands and wives usually complement each other, each one's strengths meeting the other person's lacks. In that way it becomes an added blessing. But then it is foolish to get married to someone with glaring differences at many levels.

Guidelines for dating
After a good level of screening is over, dating is the next step, the interview process, for the two people to get to know each other, by talking to each other, discussing their interests, goals, likes, dislikes, etc.

- For parents
Consider this as providing the young people sufficient opportunity to actually meet and talk to each other before they make the final decision. Please realise that you cannot expect them to do everything the way you had when you were thinking of marriage. Do give them privacy and do not be too nosy in wanting to know all the details. At the same time, if you are involved with your children as they go through this process, you can provide them safe boundaries.

- For young people
Please remember that the real goal of dating is to get to know the other person well enough for you to make the right decision regarding marriage. When you keep in mind that this is one of the most crucial decisions of your life, you will try to get as much information about the other person that can enable you to make that decision. There is a very misleading idea that is very popular among people that says, "Follow your heart!" Depending on your feelings or your own ideas, without considering actual details with more experienced, wiser people can be very dangerous.

As you spend time together, you will have to protect yourself from going too far. Remember that you are not yet married, even if you have become engaged to each other, and that intimacy is to be reserved for the married life. At this time, you need to keep a safe distance mentally and physically. If you relax these restrictions, things can go out of control before you realise. It would be good to keep your conversations in public places where you will not be alone. Avoid giving in to the pressure that compels you to do what 'everybody does' and keep yourself on the path that is pleasing to God.

There is an acronym that computer people use to say that what you see on your screen is exactly how it will appear in print – WYSIWYG – what you see is what you get. But in the world of marriage bureaus and dating sites, this is not true many times. Be extra careful with these. Do remember that if others can make mistakes and be deceived, so can you.

If you get into a hurry to get married, the chances increase that you will make a mistake. It is better to take time and be safe. Don't let other people put pressure on you. Be extra careful with them. In the process of dating, don't be eager to finalise things and say, "I love you," without having prayerfully considered all things.

General points
The engagement period is still a time for you to make the final decision. If you get red flags as you get to know each other, remember that it will be less painful to break off the engagement than to get married and then break that up. Pray that God will guide you and enable you to notice any red flag that He may bring to your notice.

Make sure you do screening as well as interview. Those who jump into dating without screening may be making way for painful breakups and the resultant baggage that you will have to carry for a long time.

Conclusion
May the Lord bless you, lead you to the right person and guide your paths. Amen.

A Christian approach to premarital counselling
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