by Jacob Ninan
Today, October 30, 2019, is our 44th wedding anniversary. My wife, Susan, and I are both 71 years old, and we got married after her brother who was my friend suggested her to me, we prayed, met and decided to get married. We both were looking to get married to the right person according to the the will of God for us. Susan was led to believe it was me because of a sign, and I made the decision because of a conviction in my heart.
We were able to meet and talk to each other a few times before we got married, and we were excited that God had shown us His will. But soon after the wedding we began to discover that we were very different from each other! To start with, I am an introvert who can be happy for hours to be alone as long as I have some reading or writing to do, I can play or listen to music, or I just have something to think about, and Susan is an extrovert (with 30000 friends as the children and I tease her with) and she just can't be alone for long. For one of my birthdays she arranged a surprise party for me with many of my friends (when actually I would have enjoyed it more if I was alone)! She works hard at whatever she sets out to do, immediately. When she was younger she would take some water and some cloth and scrub the floor in such a way that no speck had any chance of being left on the floor. When she used to bathe the children they would say that she wanted to take off all the dirt and she would almost scrape off their skin! I take some time to start anything because I think and think about whether it really has to be done immediately, whether there is a better or more efficient way to do it, etc. She thought I was being lazy! But if we suddenly faced an emergency I would take quick action while she would stand around anxiously expressing her feelings! She is very frugal in her ways and in the early part of our marriage when we were not so well off as now, she used to manage the household very carefully. On my part I would think twice before buying anything but tried hard to provide things for the house for her to use. She more or less tells me whatever she feels like, but usually I speak out only when I think it needs to be said. She feels I correct her too quickly when she says something, but I am only trying to help her! I used to tease her often earlier and she would get hurt. She would send me out for buying something urgently at all times of the day, and then she would remember afterwards something else that should also have been bought! She has a lot of friends to talk to on the phone (or visit, earlier when we were able to).
Oh, we have had a lot of fights with each other because it looked like we disagreed with each other on many different things. I would try to reason things out with her and she would tell me again and again what I was doing wrong. Then I would walk off to another room to get away from the tension or because I had already heard what she was saying. Then she would follow me telling me I needed to hear what she had to say!
Unfortunately, we two had not had any premarital counselling and the spiritual advice we got in the early part of our marriage was too simplistic: husbands, love your wife, and wives, submit to your husband. I was running out of ideas to show her I loved her and she was getting frustrated with the idea of always submitting to me. At one time it really looked that we two were simply not suited for each other. Had we made a mistake in assuming that God had brought us together?
Both of us prayed a lot because we did not know what to do and also because we could not handle things the way they were. From my side, a breakthrough came when I began to study psychology and get trained in counselling. I realised that we were not only different in our temperament, but also in family upbringing, culture, tastes (she loved fish but I couldn't bear the smell or the bones), interests, friends, hobbies, etc. She has a very sensitive nose and can pick up any sweaty smell around, except that I couldn't understand how with such a nose she could stand the smell of fish! One huge difference we discovered between us is that I am a man and she is a woman! Naturally we think differently, look at life differently and face things differently! I finally began to understand that provided we realised where we were different and learned to accept those differences and make adjustments towards each other we could live together and get to the place where we could enjoy our time together with each other. I realised that if we were just like each other, both of us would have had nothing much to gain from the relationship. But when we were different from each other, we could complement each other. If we understood each other well and we worked together, together our relationship could achieve something far greater than both of could have done individually. So, it's no sin to be incompatible.
This gave us a new outlook towards marriage, and began to help us to appreciate and respect each other better. Since we began late on this new path, we still have our disagreements occasionally, though things are much better than before because we have learned better ways of handling conflicts. Now we know that we love each other even though we have our differences and that God has brought us together. We get over our quarrels more quickly than before! Now we can understand what the Bible tells us to accept one another, bear with one another, be merciful and patient, etc., and with our new understanding of each other it has become easier to do so. We are getting better at sitting down and talking to each other, trying to understand each other and explaining where we have different views. We enjoy being with our five children and the seven (so far) grandchildren whenever we get the opportunity. Susan is very supportive towards my counselling and writing and I help her here and there with the playschool she runs. Now and then we visit our common friends together and sometimes we sit down and watch a movie together!
When we think of where we could have been, without knowing how to deal with our differences, we both thank God for getting us out of that lane and moving us into a path of understanding. My wife sometimes tells others that if we two could get back together after the tensions we had earlier, anyone else should be able to! I tell young people to compulsorily go through counselling before they get married!
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