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A couple comes for marriage counselling. They say they want to improve their relationship and resolve their issues. But what happens often is that the husband wants the wife to be changed and the wife the husband. Even when both say that they are willing to change, it becomes obvious that they both want the other to be changed. Neither of them is able to see that they are a part of the problem and also that their own wrong attitude or behaviour is triggering the other person to respond badly. This is an example of how blind we are to our own faults.

We learn from psychology, which has mostly derived its findings from observing large numbers of people over time, that we are conscious of only about 10% of what is going on in our mind, with the other 90% also contributing to our decisions and behaviour but about which we are unaware! So, the husband thinks he is doing everything right and he can observe what his wife is doing wrong, but the wife can see many things he is doing wrong. When she reacts to those, he thinks she is behaving badly and cannot imagine that it was he who triggered her response. We agree that her response was wrong, but that is only a part of the story until we also understand what he did wrong. But he is not aware of anything he has done wrong! Think of it also as if it was the wife who did something wrong and the husband reacted.

Our self-image, or the picture we have of ourselves, is far from the real image which God sees. Another person forms an image about us from what he sees us doing, but he is not able to see what was going on inside us, what our intention was, etc. So, both what we think about us and what others think about us are far from accurate. Trying to correct what others think about us is a futile exercise which will never get completed satisfactorily. What we need to do is to allow God to show us what is going on inside us, accept that verdict and make changes in our thinking and behaviour.

"Then the LORD said to Cain, 'Why are you angry? And why is your face gloomy?'" (Ge.4:6). Cain's answer in his mind would have been that God was unfair to accept only Abel's offering and to discard what he himself had offered. In turn, Cain would have become angry towards Abel. He could not see at all what was wrong with himself and his offering (v.5). What God wanted Cain to do was to look at himself and to deal with the sinful thoughts and feelings that were bubbling up from inside him (v.7). If he had done that, he would have been able to overcome his anger towards Abel.

When we are worked up with feelings about someone else, it is very difficult for us to think properly and to look at ourselves instead. That was what happened to Cain. But we can ask the Holy Spirit to help us by giving us insight into our own thinking and behaviour and to ignore the other person for the moment. When we have removed the log from our own eyes first, then we can also see clearly about the other person.

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