When there is conflict

Conflict is inevitable when we have to deal with others who are very different from us in many different ways. But when it happens, it is not easy for us to keep a proper perspective about it because the conflict affects us in some way and we are by nature self-centred. It is quite natural at such moments to consider how wrong the other person has been towards us and how much we are suffering. The more we think about it, the stronger we feel that the others have been unfair towards us, not understood us, not cared to listen to us, they have judged us too quickly, exaggerated what we said or did, etc. Sometimes it is even possible that we allow the devil to fan up our anger towards them and cause us to take extreme measures.

Our natural tendency is sinful (Ps.51:5). This slants everything we do towards self-defence, self-protection and placing the blame on others. We think of how our earliest ancestors, Adam and Eve, started blaming others after they themselves had sinned against God. What we need to do is to acknowledge this tendency in us and to be always on the alert to detect it and overpower it.

But it is not enough just to recognise and acknowledge this tendency in us, because this tendency will deceive us into thinking we are right, even when we have been wrong. "Every man's way is right in his own eyes, But the LORD weighs the hearts" (Pr.21:2). Our sinful nature provides us with excuses or justification for whatever wrong we do, and it is easy to imagine that we have examined ourselves and found ourselves to be in the right. So, when we know that there is such a tendency in us, we have to make a deliberate effort to look at ourselves with an open mind and honesty. Many times we may need special help from the Holy Spirit to see and understand where we were wrong, in what we did or the attitude we had. If we are not used to taking this approach, it will not be easy at all when we start. It is possible that we will quickly become convinced that the other person was wrong and give up the effort. But remember, even if there are things the other person has done wrong, that does not exclude the possibility that we too may have done wrong in other ways. Even if it was the other person who started the conflict, our response to it may have been wrong!

As Christians, we may be used to admitting easily that we are not perfect, and also saying that we want to become like Jesus! But a very common mistake we make about this is to assume unconsciously that God will do it for us. But this transformation can be done by the Holy Spirit in our life only as we cooperate with Him in daily situations (Ro.8:13). What happens is that in every situation we are faced with the choice between doing what we like and what God wants. We can become like Jesus only if we regularly choose to deny ourselves and to do His will (Lk.22:42). It is kind of silly, isn't it, to do what we like and then to expect that we will become like Jesus?