Jacob Ninan
Q. I am a 26 year old woman, and I have known this man for some time as we work together in the same office. Recently I noticed that I have developed feelings for him and like to spend time with him. Can I take it that this is a sign of being in love? I believe God has brought him into my life.A. I see two questions here, one about love and the other about wondering if this is the will of God. Let us look at the first one first.
Isn't it natural when men and women (or boys and girls) meet together many times, and especially after they have worked together for some time, that they start developing feelings towards one another? But then, to imagine that these feelings indicate love is a little premature, isn't it? There is a statement that has become very popular in the world, saying, "Follow your heart!" People apply this to many things, not only with respect to relationships but also to other important things such as pursuing a career. Many times this can be disastrous.
First of all, feelings can be very transient or temporary. The danger is that they may be based on only a few facts, and that when we get more facts, our feelings may change. For example, if you know this man in your office only to the extent of what you have seen there, don't you think there are many other things in his life you don't know? You may have noticed certain good things in the way he talks to you or shows you attention. But do you know other aspects of his character? Do you know his family background, his parents, his personality traits, etc., which you will have to deal with if you get married to him? What would happen if you 'feel good' towards him now and get married, and afterwards come to find out there are things about him that are giving you much trouble? Many marriage problems are due to not knowing the person well enough before they got married.
If someone depends too much on feelings for making decisions such as marriage, there is also a tendency to become 'blind' about reality. If this has happened to you, other people can see what are wrong in the choice you are making, but you yourself have become absolutely sure that this is the right one for you. Then you begin to shut out what others tell you, and and rebel against them saying it is your life and you are the one who needs to make the decision, etc.
In the olden times when parents used to arrange marriages for their children, usually there would be some level of 'screening' of prospective candidates, by looking at their reputation, family history, work, etc. At the same time, you would not have got too much opportunity to get to know your future husband. So this approach too has problems.
But the fact remains that you need more information about the man, his character and his background before you can make the final choice. This would mean that you have to listen to what others have to tell you with an open mind, consider them and then decide what is important to you. It is certainly your life and your decision, but you also need to accept the fact that your parents and your other well-wishers may have a lot more experience in life which will be good for you to consider. So, don't base your decision merely on feelings.
Has God brought this man into your path? It could be, but it is also possible that this is a chance occurrence. As we go through life we meet different people, and it will be foolish to imagine that every man you meet has been brought to you by God. This kind of thinking could be due to a mistake in people's theology which assumes that God is the one who is responsible for everything that happens. But what about the fact that when God created us in His own image, including an ability to think and make choices just as He does? It is because of this that we may make mistakes and suffer the consequences. So, what we need to do is to take the matter before God and ask Him to show us if we are going in the right direction and to correct us if we are doing wrong. Then we need to prayerfully consider what God is telling us, including through the circumstances, new information, intervention of other people, etc.
It is sad when young men and women come to me for counsel and tell me about their confusion after a relationship has broken up. Sometimes they say, "If this relationship was not meant to be, why did God bring this person into my life first of all?" How can you assume that it is God who brings every person into our life and that any person who comes into our life must be from God? Aren't there men out there planning to cheat you, use you and throw you afterwards? Isn't it in your interest to watch out, and not to allow yourself to be deceived by nice words or smiles - and feelings?
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